10/06/2015 13:34 BST | Updated 10/06/2016 06:59 BST

Eight Lessons Labour Must Learn

The Labour Leadership campaign is in full swing and all the Labour stars are lining up for a shot at the big time, including Blairite, Brownite, Thunderbird Puppet and Retired Geography Teacher. But if Labour are going to win in 2020, they must take away the eight valuable lessons from their election catastrophe.

1) Narrative, narrative, narrative...

The Conservative Party had one bedtime story which they told over and over. Labour spent recklessly, crashed the economy, bankrupted the country and then the Tories had to sweep in and save the day. It doesn't matter that this isn't true. Who cares that the global economic crash was caused by irresponsible mortgage lenders in the USA? Who cares that the 'reckless' Labour spending propped up the banks and probably saved the country from a worse fate? Who cares that Tory austerity has hindered economic growth? Nobody. Facts are boring. Lynton Crosby was obviously a fan of his fellow countryman Chopper Read: "Never let the truth get in the way of a good yarn." HSBC are warning of global recession in the next few years. Is it the Tories' fault? Nope. Can they prevent it? Nope. But come 2020 Labour would be foolish if they didn't go with: "UMMMMM! THE TORIES BUST THE ECONOMY!"

2) Learn to eat a sandwich

As we all know, the one thing that unites the great leaders of history is eating skills. Julius Caesar could scarf a wood pigeon with consummate grace, Lord Nelson could dominate a buffet with one arm stuck in his shirt, Churchill could smoke a huge cuban cigar and still have room in his gob for a Cornetto (hence his characteristically muffled oratory). But could Ed Miliband stick a sandwich in his gob without looking like he was having a stroke? Nope. David Cameron? Now there's a man who can eat. In a canteen in Brussels. On his own.

(I bet David Milliband can eat a sandwich)

3) Apologise to Rupert Murdoch

We're just going to have to accept it. Rupert Murdoch is God. Miliband said 'He's not as powerful as he used to be' and then Murdoch used his substantially powerful media outlets to spew Tory propaganda and blame Labour every time it drizzled. Taking a few quid off multi-billionaire newspaper owners is never going to be popular with multi-billionaire newspaper owners. Any policy announcements should include the disclaimer "except Rupert Murdoch." He's 84. It won't be forever. He'll probably die in a few millennia or so anyway.

4) Stop Sticking Up For The Vulnerable

As we all know, the economic crash was caused by immigrants and people on disability benefit who all get 100K of benefit and laugh at hardworking families whilst burning £50 notes for fun. Meanwhile threadbare bankers are being mercilessly bullied by the Left for doing nothing wrong except for weaving rainbows and filling pots with gold. As the Conservatives bought off pensioners in a manner that would make FIFA blush, Miliband wasted his time with Russell Brand when he should have been talking to Ronnie Corbett or Barry Cryer. Talking points:

  • State that things aren't as good as they used to be.
  • List foods that he likes but don't like him.
  • Boast about how many times he has to get up in the night to go to the toilet.

5) Appeal to Shy People

This election shy people were out in force and they voted Tory. Upsetting all poll predictions, these 'shy Tories' emerged blinking from the reading rooms of public libraries and subterranean dens and came out in force to swing the election. Perhaps the reason that Labour campaigners didn't get their votes is that they couldn't find them. In future, electioneers should carry butterfly nets and put little bits of bait under upturned boxes.

6) Get a Prop

Rod Hull had Emu, Keith Harris had Orvile, Rolf Harris had a wobble board and questionable intent. There's nothing like a prop. Although David Cameron couldn't directly answer direct questions about why people had died because they'd had benefits unfairly stopped, he certainly could hold up a note saying "There's no money. Just kidding. Ha ha LOL" and say "Hey look boys and girls. It's Mr Notey! What's that Notey? Labour bankrupted us? Well blow me down old Notey! They sound like an untrustworthy bunch and no mistake."

7) Get Some Aspiration

Remember Feudal Lords lauding it over grovelling peasants? Well, apparently these barons are "wealth creators" now. They create wealth by exploiting other people and by taking a share of the wealth that far, far exceeds their input. The wealth then "trickles down" as they pay people to muck out their stables or to be moving targets during trebuchet practise. The problem with people like Watt Tyler is that they had no aspiration. He should have turned his negative into a positive rather than whinging about it. Socio-economics simply has nothing to do with it. The reason that no kid born into wealth ever ends life poor or on the streets must be because they are superior human beings. Stands to reason.

8) Beware the Scottish!

In the last few years a new nation has arisen called "Scott-Land." We don't like them and they don't like us but if they get independence we'll have to change our flag and millions of Central London souvenir shops will go out of business. They want to destroy Britain and the way they're doing this is to send democratically elected MPs to the UK Parliament to debate things. It's basically treason. The Tories were able to harness fears about them by saying "Oooh, they're Scottish...err...oooh." It was another PR masterstroke. Cameron was right, however. The SNP have amassed on Westminster and are doing things like clapping in the House of Commons. It's the Gunpowder Plot all over again.