28/03/2016 16:45 BST | Updated 29/03/2017 06:12 BST

The Five Tantrums of the Toddler

All kids have tantrums I get that, I also know a lot of adults who do it to be honest. The thing is with the Jam-Eater (my three-year-old daughter) is that she has a set repertoire of tantrums which only consists of five moves.

That's all, five basic moves which generally control our lives and I'm pretty sure, it's the same for every child and parent. I've laid them out below, I'm sure you will recognise some, if not all of them.

1. The Jacko

This temper tantrum is reminiscent of the 'Earth Song' video where Michael Jackson stays stationary, stamping his legs and continues to wail 'what about us?' for about 16 minutes. While he is stamping his feet, the world around him burns. This is very similar to when the Jam-Eater kicks off and everyone around her also falls to pieces. This is the only time I will mention a small child and Michael Jackson in the same blog post, I promise.

2. The Ian Beale

As with most temper tantrums this particular tantrum requires maximum tears and the ability to twist her face so much it resembles and old man's ballbag. The crying is just basic sobbing but the clever part is the introduction of snot into the tears, this technique is Flo's particular favourite for when you remove something as punishment. Be careful not to piss off Florence otherwise you'll get 'The Beale'. For overseas readers, Ian Beale is a character in the long running soap Eastenders here in the UK. A quick Google will hit this point home.

3. The Skynet

This is a bathtime favourite and only works when she is starkers. This is a simple refusal tantrum technique and resembles the arrival of the T-800 in Terminator 2. As soon as the Jam-Eater gets riled she will just curl up into a ball and breathe deeply waiting for everyone to vanish. It never works and is the least effective, unless you walk in the room on the wrong angle, then you just get an eyeful of bumhole.

4. The Arjen Robben

This is the supermarket favourite or anywhere in public for that matter and it is completely pathetic. You can be walking down aisle six in Sainsbury's looking for your groceries then BAM! she's down rolling on the floor like a soft Dutch footballer in a World Cup semi-final. It's NEVER effective and the worst thing you can do is to acknowledge it, just concentrate on getting your lasagne sheets off the shelf and move on.

5. The Riverdance

This is one which gets used quite a lot and she actually used this today when out for a walk. You can say something which isn't incendiary in the slightest but because she doesn't agree she turns into 'Lord of the Dance' Michael Flatley. The body doesn't really move much at all in this method, but she will move her legs frantically while she moans and whines as to why she can't have what she wants. This is probably the shortest tantrum as it expels the most energy.

So there you have it, a guide to the Jam-Eater's emotional routine. I'm pretty sure this will evolve over the next few years and I will keep you updated as and when. Feel free to let me know if I've missed anything, as much as I want to believe there are only five tantrums I'm sure I am going to be sorely disapointed.