27/06/2013 08:48 BST | Updated 26/08/2013 06:12 BST

Festival Essentials


Dear Fashion Magazines,

Who do you think you are speaking to Re. 'Festival Essentials'? Since I'll be attending Bestival this September, I thought I'd see what you have to offer. Here are some of your suggested inclusions:

1. "Reawaken your senses with Origins Ginger Essence roller ball".

Should your first-time experience get too much, apply liberally to pressure points - see: Swooning Victorian. No one will think you're a dickhead, honestly.

2. "Brighten skin with Clarins' Beauty Flash Balm".

I mean, I'm quite poor. The tickets were pretty pricey, and the only Clarins product I own was a Christmas gift circa 2011. I have been using it so sparingly that each application yields little to no moisture. Really I just cleanse my face with my own bone-dry hands. Also, knowing myself after drinking, from an early point my combination skin will be wildly beyond the help of any balm.

3. "Cup Cake Wet Wipes will clear up any messes - they're only £1.99 and can be used for all sorts of spills."

One of the more reasonable essentials. Especially if you're hoping to hook up with a paedophile.

4. "'Make A Wish' Lantern (pink)."

You're right, that is essential. If I had a pound for every time I've left home without my lanterns!

5. "SheWee Absorbent Pouch."

Yeah, I'd totally rather be seen standing, relieving myself into a gently inflating white carrier bag whilst I stared serenely ahead than I would going in a bush.

6. "'Crazy Color' Semi-Permanent Hair Dye (also pink)."

Because that shows you're fun, and won't look ridiculous next week.

7. "Littledoe feather headdress, £215."

You don't really need a photo, but just in case:


Plus a lot of this:

- A bag with loads of tassels on.

- Anything that looks like the product of John Lennon and Primark after some cheap chardonnay and a night of unbridled passion.

- A hairband made of fake flowers. Except you're not a free spirit of the 60s, your name's Sharon and you work in media sales.

Come on man, where is the REALITY. My essential list reads thus:

1. 7 mobile phones. 2 will be taped to my head. I'm not free spirited enough to talk to Sharon about her previous festivals while I wait to bump into my actual friends again.

2. Clothes that are actively not fringed. If ever they were, they will be shaved.

3. A balaclava. Threatening? Perhaps. But more effective than balm.

I may not have been to a festival, but I have done Duke of Edinburgh (Silver) - oh hello! What's that? Realising dreams is what it is - and these expeditions taught me all you really need to know about life in the wild. Firstly, try on new clothes before you go; a part of me died the day I was forcefully released from a pair of 11-year-old boys' waterproof trousers by my best friend and a butter knife. Secondly, cast aside dignity before you leave. It's easier that way.

I suggest a full-bodied headdress may not (always) be essential.

All the best,