Have you almost passed out doing Pantley or cried yourself out following Ford?
Are you too damn tired to try another stupid sleep solution that probably won't work anyway? Then help is at hand!
After two babies and years of sleep deprivation I finally stumbled across a stress free technique.
The nine-step G.O.T.O.S.L.E.E.P not only worked for my babies but as it is designed for the extremely exhausted, it is completely stress-free!
G. Get yourself ready for bed before you start your baby's bedtime routine. In some cases babies can take several hours to fall asleep, so make sure you are comfortable and ready to slip straight into your own bed with your baby once you have given up trying to put her down in her cot.
This is key to a successful bedtime routine. Before you even begin it is essential you empty your bladder and ensure your smartphone is fully charged. Trying to get your baby to sleep is a good opportunity to enjoy some quality screen time. You may be trapped under a baby, but you have the world at your fingertips.
T. Transfer Ready.
Is your baby drowsy but awake? Then she is NOT Transfer Ready.
Wait until she is in a deep sleep. Then wait another ten minutes, just to be sure. Then another ten for luck. Recent studies have revealed that 99 per cent of babies believe that drowsy
but awake is bollocks, so do not make the transfer too soon.
O. Only you.
Many babies refuse to sleep anywhere other than on a parent so rest assured this is completely normal. However, the solution is simple. Stock up on coffee until the phase passes.
S. Sleep crutch.
It is very useful to make a rod for your own back when you are a parent. If your baby will only sleep in bed with you, let her. (Although, this is not advisable if you smoke, drink alcohol or sleep on a bed of nails, etc etc.) If she will only settle after a feed, then feed her. If you need to rock or sing her into dreamland, do it.
These popular sleep inducing techniques have been successfully getting infants to sleep since they were invented.
L. Learn not to sleep.
A recent study by the Institute of Real Life People With Actual Babies showed that training an adult NOT to sleep through the night for a short period of their life is far simpler than training a teeny tiny baby to sleep through the night so why not try it!
Eventually your body will become accustomed to the sleepless nights and you will even get better at parenting while exhausted. The study also showed that 100 per cent of sleep-deprived humans survive parenthood, so do not sweat it.
E. Eye contact.
It is very important that you make eye contact with your baby when settling her at night. That adoring look she gives you is often the only thing that will stop you from selling her to a travelling circus.
The baby is finally asleep! It is a fact that sleeping babies have the ability to sense when their parent is about to leave the room. To avoid waking the baby, you must exit with extreme caution. Do not breathe, do not rush and whatever happens do not look back.
P. Pour yourself a large drink (you deserve it).
Once you have left the baby's room, immediately pour yourself a glass of wine and relax (for about 15 minutes until the baby wakes up again).
Repeat this method every night and you rest assured you WILL enjoy a good night's sleep again....eventually...
This and more No-Sleep Solutions along with advice on how to train yourself to stay awake successfully can be found in my new book Sleep Is For The Weak: How To Survive When Your Baby Won't Go The F**k To Sleep. Available on Amazon or in book shops.