"It's like a traffic jam...when you're already late. A noooooo smoking sign on your cigarette break". God love Alanis*. Pointing out all those little ironies that irritate us in everyday life. However I am not entirely sure anyone smokes anymore and I have never been in an establishment with ten thousand spoons and no knives. That would be weird. So I have decided to make a list of the parenting laws of sod. If I was very clever I would do it to the tune of Ironic. But I am now in my third week of chicken pox. So? I will just tiredly list them, moaning to myself as I go...
1) When your child is screaming in the middle of Asda? You will never be able to find the dummy.
2) When you are requiring your child to look respectable for a family photo. They will always find one. Thus being the only child with a dummy in a wedding photo that will be framed in various family members houses for time immortal.
3) The one day you decide to go out without the baby bag will be the one day your child decides to vomit, sh*t and p*ss. All over you.
4) Every time you ask your child to put on a sock/shoe/welly...THEY WILL ALWAYS GIVE YOU THE WRONG FOOT EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN TIME.
5) Every time you ask your child to put on a cardigan/jacket/coat. See above. BUT REPLACE IT WITH ARM.
6) When you plan a marvellous holiday, or start an exciting new job, or decide to do anything vaguely ace? Your child will get chicken pox. Or croup. Or hand, foot and mouth. Or all three.
7) The one time it looks like a lovely day and you leave think "sod it!" and leave the buggy cover under the stairs? Will be the one day it pi*sses it down so hard your dry shampoo will drip down your face and passersby will tut at your soaking child.
8) However the one day you decide to carry three umbrellas on the pre-school run. It will be a freakishly sunny day. And you end up not only carrying three umbrellas, but also two coats. Whilst you sweat profusely in your oversized Mum coat.
9) When you finally manage to organise a Mum's night out out. This will inevitably be the time you catch a stomach bug or...realise you are pregnant again.
10) When you breathe a sigh of relief and say "oh they went to bed really well tonight didn't they?". It will result in the most disrupted night's sleep. Since they were newborns.
11) When you don't want your child to nap in the car. They will sleep so solidly even your "don't go to sleep in the car" manic high pitched song won't keep them awake.
12) When you do want your child to nap in the car. They will chirpily sing the Peppa 'bingly, bongly boo' song. ALL THE WAY TO CORNWALL.
13) When you finally manage to get your child down for a nap, you sit down, take a sip of tea and the dog will bark/the PPI people will phone/a parcel will needed to be delivered to you for your neighbour. And the child? Wakes up instantly. F*ck.
In my darker days I like to think these laws of sod are the tiny things that nearly tip me over the edge. And on my more upbeat days? They are just sent to try us (to be said with a massive eye roll). All together now "It's like raaaaaaaiiiiiiiin on your wedding day".
*Alanis Morrisette was a Canadian singer popular in the 90's. She wrote an amazing album called Jagged Little Pill all about a break up with a boy. And across the world young, dumped women were united. And then? She found love, got happy, and we weren't that interested anymore.
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