When you get pregnant you start to scour books for 'what you might need'. You find little lists in the back of the free Boots magazine. Or maybe something that is dished out by the midwives on the hospital tour. They contain the obvious like nappies and wipes to things you may not have been aware of before like muslins and breast pumps. But I am here you to tell you the really useful stuff. The items that have kept me sane in the past four years of growing and producing two tiny people. Chuck out your olds lists. This list? Is definitive:
Showers are limited as soon as you produce your first child. You can attempt the 'get up before them' shower or the 'jump in whilst they nap' shower. But? These are ditched after about four days when you realise? There is is something invented that makes your hair look clean(ish) and gives off a smell like foreign holidays. The rest of your body? Tackle with a baby wipe.
"My kids won't be shoved in front of the tele!" I exclaimed. Cue about a month in when my daughter was transfixed by Chuggington and it meant I could sleep with my eyes open for ten minutes. Four years later I now have a love/hate relationship with CBeebies. I LOVE Mr Bloom. I HATE f*cking Granny Murray.
We now are the owners of four tablets. One got smashed by a tiny foot. Two are full of kids games downloaded. And the other? A spare. Yes a spare? In case one runs out of battery and your toddler is screaming for "KINDER EGGS".
Social media is an utter lifesaver. You may be doing a night feed, or stuck in bored sh*tless during a nap and can't be arsed to tidy up. I can lose hours stalking celebs on twitter, or getting angry about smug Facebook status's. Ex boyfriends have been stalked and obvs you need produce a healthy about of #babyspam to prove to everyone you love your kids. How else would they know?
If Motherhood was sponsored by anything it would be the joy that is caffeine. Often drank luke warm in for form of a cup of tea, or ice cold in a can (or six) of diet coke. Cut me open? And I would bleed caffeine. I swear my innards must be black and tar like.
Bar the time you drink A LOT of tea, Motherhood is also sponsored by gin. Often cracked open at 6:30pm on a braless Friday night sat in your living room tucking into a Chinese take away. And then this gin soaked theme is continued throughout the weekend. And maybe on a Wednesday. Just because.
Essential for a variety of things. Advice (as long as it is not unsolicited) and moaning. Mainly the moaning. About lack of sleep, or your annoying husband, or mother in law or probably all three. They often come with biscuits. Kind of a cheap knackered looking therapist that gives you sweet sh*t. The dream.
Or a 'jegging' if you're feeling a bit posh. They stretch over the mum tum. They can be tucked into Uggs, shoved under flowery smock tops and look OK with a gladiator. They also disguise a very hairy leg. I have often discussed what would happen to me if they stopped selling leggings. I can't bare to think about it. I wouldn't be able to leave the house.
Mum Coat and Bag
If you take anything from this you need to embrace the mum coat and bag. Treat yourself to one that is actually waterproof. Not one you think is waterproof and you end up soaking, weeping on the local high street. The bag must be big. Go to buy a big one. The double it. Opt for Cath Kidston if you want to feel like you aren't just lugging a really large ugly bin bag round all day.
Cake is eaten if you are meeting up with other mums, or going to round to a play date at a mums house, on picnics with other mums, after a kids party with other mums. It can be eaten if you are tired. Or if you are feeling sad. Or to celebrate! Cake is part of being a mum. And in all of the previous scenarios? It's calorie free innit? Cause being a mum is a hard job and we need a treat every now and then SO BACK OFF!