Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humour in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
There are people who refuse to eat food past their best before date and there are people who disregard it completely and they marry each other.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023
me: "i was watching a video about different faces, and it said that you're either a rat or a frog, and i ---"
— emily (@emilykmay) December 16, 2023
husband: "oh you're a rat. you're a super rat."
me:
husband: "......it's cute!!! a cute rat! like a little mouse!"
Welcome to the world of menopause, where you get into the car after your wife drove it in the middle of winter with below-zero temps and the air conditioning is on full blast.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 16, 2023
My wife: [wraps 5 yrs worth of presents with 1 roll of Scotch tape.]
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 12, 2023
Me: [uses 1 roll of Scotch tape on half of one present]
My husband put all the presents I wrapped behind the tree and placed his in front and when I asked him why he did that he patted my hand and said with such pitty, "not everyone is good at wrapping presents and that's ok."
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 12, 2023
me: *has daily vivid byzantine dreams, some so stressful I wake up sweating*
— ig: @shereenshafi (@shereeny) December 15, 2023
my husband: I had a dream about a frog. it was sitting on a lily pad 😊
I accidentally used my wife’s shampoo and now….wait, that’s a lie. It wasn’t by accident. You should see how many bottles she has, I can’t even find mine.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) December 15, 2023
Talking about banana bread with the wife.
— N.J. Gallegos is Dr. Spooky ho ho ho 🔪👻🎄 (@DrSpooky_ER) December 13, 2023
Me: You know what kind of nuts I like in mine?
Wife: What?
Me: Deez nuts.
My husband does this thing where he says he has to use the bathroom and then he goes to the bathroom, like right away, without doing 25 other things first, and I find this confusing
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 13, 2023
good news - I'm not dying of scarlet fever, I just didn't realize that the wife had turned on the heated car seats
— 🌜🤷♂️🎅🏽Dad Moon Rising 🎅🏽🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) December 14, 2023
my husband is in charge of the family holiday photo shoot this year and i’m not getting involved because i like to watch him learn things the hard way
— nika (@nikalamity) December 14, 2023
Welcome to marriage. You're going to buy the expensive Tupperware set of your dreams, but you'll still save a big box of cheap plastic to-go containers "just in case."
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) December 15, 2023
I called my wife 4x from the store to see if we needed a Santa riding a T-Rex inflatable and she never answered so I played it safe pic.twitter.com/GSELvZyrhv
— Batty (@BattyMclain) December 14, 2023
My wife is wrapping Christmas gifts, so our dog and I have to go in the other room because "we don't know how to act around gift wrap rolls."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 16, 2023
My husband woke up all chatty like he’s new here.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) December 13, 2023
My wife keeps asking me my opinion on her outfit choices today and whether I've said "it's great I love it" or "nah maybe not" she's gotten pissed so please help me I need a new place to live
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 16, 2023
I just saw a spider crawl into my husband's bag he packed last night for a work trip he's about to take and I'm a good person but not good enough to intervene here.
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) December 14, 2023
My husband & I took a divide & conquer approach to finish our Christmas shopping.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 18, 2023
I came home with gifts for our kids & he came home with an 85 inch TV for himself.
Therapist: Are you doing anything special for each other during the holidays?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 18, 2023
Me: I made him an advent calendar.
Therapist: That was thoughtful of you.
Husband: It was filled with pieces of paper with errands I need to run before Christmas.
Not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but they sent me a Christmas email saying "Take care of our girl."
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 14, 2023