Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.
Somehow married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life. Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 1, 2024
One thing I miss about being a kid is fake sleeping in the car so I can be carried inside. My wife ain't falling for it this is bullshit.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) December 28, 2023
My husband went to the store this morning and came home with sparkling wine and I was like this is nice but did you get the fruit I asked for? And he goes “fruit? Sorry, I thought you said Brut”
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) December 31, 2023
“patton robinson?” –my husband asking about robert pattinson
— ig: @shereenshafi (@shereeny) December 28, 2023
Congratulations to my wife on the purchase of her 5 millionth candle.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) December 29, 2023
I think I must have been a dad in my previous life because when my wife leaves lights on and leaves the room, I want to implode.
— N.J. Gallegos be chilling ❄️🥶 (@DrSpooky_ER) December 29, 2023
my husband keeps telling everyone i messed up his breakfast bc i forgot to make him toast so he got mad at me because he’s “lack-toast intolerant” and then laughs and laughs
— That Mom Tho 🐦 (@mom_tho) December 27, 2023
they dont warn you about endless dad jokes, they should, but they dont
2023 was the year a straight woman at a work function asked to see a photo of my wife and said “wow so she’s pretty and talented you must hate her” and I said “that’s not how being gay works”
— gabrielle korn (@Gabrielle_Korn) December 31, 2023
I can’t wait to show my husband the expensive gift he got me for my birthday tomorrow.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) December 29, 2023
My husband's favorite gift yesterday is when I opened the fridge and raked all the unused sauce packets, bottles and jars into a large trash bag yesterday. It took me $0 and five minutes Merry Christmas you sauce hater
— nice things I say to myself (@meantomyself) December 26, 2023
My husband got me a frying pan for Christmas and I looked over at him and he was waving to me from the 1950s
— Tracie Breaux (@traciebreaux) December 28, 2023
Me: [gets Amazon gift card for Christmas]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 28, 2023
Also me: [immediately hands it to my wife]
Husband: where you off to?
— Heatherhere ☃️ (@Heatinblack) December 29, 2023
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
my 9yo: don’t you think church would be waaay better if they had a snack bar?
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) December 27, 2023
me:
me, later to my wife: don’t you think church would be waaay better if they had a snack bar?
My wife refuses to eat food past its expiration date and always rebukes me for doing it, but I, on the other hand, am a firm believer in a grace period of 3 months.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) December 29, 2023
My husband does this brilliant thing where when one of the kid’s toys breaks, he takes it down to the workshop to fix it, and it stays there till everyone forgets about it, and then I throw it away, and no one cries
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) December 29, 2023
Miss 10: You two are like kids!
— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) December 28, 2023
Me: Your daddy is
Husband: No your mummy is
Husband: Where did the dried up Christmas tree go?
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) January 2, 2024
*flashback, to me throwing it into our neighbor’s yard*
Me: I have no idea.
This will be the year of the first thing your partner texts you about this morning.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) January 1, 2024
For me, this will be the year of garlic bread.