For the past 12 months being an Arsenal fan hasn't been particularly fun. There's an understatement on a par with, "that Sean Penn doesn't seem to know a great deal about the Falklands", or "doesn't Rihanna's latest single leave you a trifle concerned about the future of the human race?"
Since losing last year's Carling cup final on 27 February, there has been very little worth my getting out of bed - other than to slink over to Ashburton Grove and die inside a little more each week.
Tomorrow the single most important day of my year arrives as Tottenham visit the Emirates. And it couldn't come at a worse time - 364 days after that Carling Cup humiliation, Spurs have the opportunity to round off the worst 12 months of my life in the most soul-destroying way imaginable.
Being a glutton for punishment, I've decided to re-live and share my darkest moments with you. I hope you enjoy my personal hell.
Carling Cup Final: Arsenal 1 - 2 Birmingham City (27 Feb 2011)
Everyone loves seeing the favourite embarrassed by the underdog, whatever the contest. But when it happens in a cup final to a club as universally disliked as Arsenal by a rival who would ultimately end that season being relegated, it's irresistible. Arsenal fans didn't just go into last year's Carling Cup final expecting victory, we went into the quarter-final assuming our trophy drought was finally over. The arrogance was astonishing and for the neutral nothing could be funnier than seeing us get turned over by Birmingham, could it? Apparently one thing could - a last minute defensive cock-up, which was promptly posted on YouTube and has haunted Arsenal fans ever since.
West Brom 2 - 2 Arsenal (19 March 2011)
After one of the most depressing months in the history of the club - a month which saw us knocked out of the Champion's League and the FA Cup in the space of four days - a winnable looking league fixture in the midlands provided a refreshing glimmer of hope. Instead, we were plagued with another YouTube hit as the ever ridiculous Manuel Almunia inexplicably ran into his own defender, gifting a bemused Peter Odemwingie with an open goal. Even our reserve goalkeeper Jens Lehman couldn't help smirking.
Stoke City 3 - 1 Arsenal (8 May 2011)
Somewhere between genocide and Noel Edmonds on my list of hatred are Stoke fans. Weaselly, classless, pitiful examples of humanity who celebrate the violence masquerading as football their oafish manager encourages. As if losing to them under any circumstances wasn't bad enough, this loss put the Premier League mathematically out of reach, again. All to the backdrop of Stoke's finest booing an Arsenal player who their caveman in chief Ryan Shawcross tried to kill in the previous season every time he touched the ball. Honestly...
Summer Transfer Window 2011
After three months of doing exactly nothing, we finally sold Cesc Fabregas back to Barca. Although painful, this came as a relief - for the past two years it had felt a little like a relationship you knew was doomed. He couldn't look us in the eye, he didn't seem to enjoy it anymore. He still loved us, sure, but it was obvious he was thinking about someone else...
This freed up funds to complete dynamite signings such as the ageing Israeli Yossi Benayoun - a man so crocked he probably couldn't even get into the Chelsea Pensioner's 11 - and the bewilderingly overweight-considering-he's-a-professional-athlete Andre Santos. This was topped off with demi-god Arsene being bullied by Manchester City's bench warmer and professional tool Samir Nasri.
Manchester United 8 - 2 Arsenal (28 August 2011)
Loving a football club is irrational. Hating Manchester United on the other hand is just common sense. I live in London, which means I'm constantly surrounded by approximately 70% of the United fan base (the remaining 30% being spread over Asia and seemingly anywhere but Manchester). Aside from the humiliation of being absolutely hammered, for the week that followed I had to put up with these morons who probably couldn't even point to Lancashire on a map boasting about how 'they' had apparently 'achieved something'. Normally I can shut these idiots up by asking how many times they've been to Old Trafford or asking them to name the three managers before Alex Ferguson without using Wikipedia. But after shipping eight goals, I had nothing.
Redknapp: Not Guilty (8 Feb 2012)
Earlier this year I experienced the pain of admitting Tottenham were now a better side than Arsenal. This is down to one man: Harry Redknapp. Since seeing him join the scum in 2008 and watching him turn the club around so dramatically, I have wished Harry be sacked, taken seriously ill or imprisoned. After several alleged deals with the devil, 'Arry has managed to dodge all three bullets, leaving me in the most embarrassing position imaginable for any Arsenal fan: backing the incumbent Spurs manager for the England job. If you're looking for the definition of self-loathing...
AC Milan 4 - 0 Arsenal (15 Feb 2012)
Thierry Henry makes me feel things that would disturb even psychiatrists. When he returned to the club in January I was happy to see him back, but feared where this would end. I couldn't have predicted just how excruciating his final game for Arsenal would be. As we both watched the club we love leave the footballing elite, possibly forever, I wondered if that night he too thought "is this the last time Arsenal will play a Champion's League game in Milan?"
And finally...
Arsenal v Tottenham (26 Feb 2012)
For the first time in my life I am going into this game assuming defeat. Last season's home loss to Tottenham was almost a relief - it was over and done with and we were still ahead of them in the league. This year, we will be 13 points behind and in a dog fight for European qualification. The way we are playing, it's not a fight I would back us in.
This, I fear, is what mediocrity feels like. And I think we may have to get used to it.