No Spark On Your First Date? No Problem, Say The Experts

Feeling the so-called spark doesn't always mean you've got incredible chemistry.
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Feeling the “spark” on the first date does not always mean you’re amazingly compatible with your companion, according to experts.

Although it’s a popular theory in the dating world that you have to feel a strange sense of electricity around the person who may or may not become your significant other, it’s not crucial.

And, according to Sabrina Zohar, who hosts Do The Work podcast, it might even be detrimental.

In a video posted to social media, she claimed: “The spark is your nervous system saying, ’oh shit, this person seems really familiar, ie. the same type of toxic shit that I always go for.′

“You can be excited, you can be having a great time, but if you get the spark, that’s usually when I don’t want to see somebody else, because oftentimes that’s my body going, ’Hey, this is way too fucking familiar and you’re going to get hurt.′”

She continued: “So if you had a nice time with somebody, you had a great conversation, you thought they were cool, if they touched you [and] you didn’t pull away, go out on a second date, let someone open up over time.

“It’s not about immediacy. Immediacy isn’t what builds a healthy, beautiful relationship – what does is reciprocity, communication and somebody who actually wants to show up for you.”

Of course, having a spark doesn’t really have to mean anything.

As the CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, Susan Trombetti, pointed out to InStyle, sparks can be a sign that you’ve got a type, and your body thinks you’ve found a similar person again.

But even if the new person you’re dating initially seems to resemble an old flame, the more you get to know them, the more they might seem different.

Trombetti dubbed the initial spark a “false start” and suggested the real chemistry develops when you actually know someone.

Indeed, Logan Ury, author of How To Not Die Alone and Hinge’s director of relationship science, claimed it could just be a sign that someone is very charismatic.

He also told InStyle: “Some people are just very ‘sparky’. They’re good at making a lot of people feel an instant connection; perhaps they’re extremely attractive or best-in-class flirts.”

He added: “Sometimes the spark is more an indication of how charming someone is – or narcissistic – and less a sign of a shared connection.”

Ury speculated that “sometimes those butterflies are actually alarm bells”.

He concluded: “The important thing to remember is that its absence doesn’t predict failure, and its presence doesn’t guarantee success.”

Similarly, last November psychotherapist Alyssa Mancao posted on Instagram noting that: “Chemistry is the spark that starts a relationship. Compatibility is the kindling that keeps the fire going.”

So, perhaps the best thing is not to pin any potential relationships on the so-called spark...