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my 4yo calls my small guitar a ukulady— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 17, 2021
Walked in on 10 sneaking Halloween candy and when I asked her what she's doing, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "Practicing."— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 20, 2021
My 12yo is into scary movies but complained they aren't scary enough so we just watched The Descent and wow you don't always know when you fuck up as a parent but this was a big one.— Andrew O. (@TheOrvedahl) October 18, 2021
Me: Go to bed.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 22, 2021
5-year-old: I have to do one thing first.
5: Stay awake forever.
after my son asked my daughter to play “dragon ninjas” i walked over and got the box of band-aids without a second thought— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) October 17, 2021
6YO: My tummy hurts— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 17, 2021
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our teen daughter but we just rock-paper-scissored to see who has to wake her up.— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 16, 2021
My son would like you know that he was NOT SLEEPING during the movie he was JUST LISTENING.— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) October 18, 2021
My 4 year old had a meltdown this morning because she wants to move to California.— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) October 21, 2021
We live in California.
My 5yo asked if she could have a brownie and I started to say no cause it was too close to dinner and she said, “please your highness”. So I asked her where that came from and she said matter of factly, “cause you’re my Queen.” So anyway, she’s now having brownies for dinner.— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) October 18, 2021
Oh I get it, you think you’re better than me cuz your kid has both shoes on.— Lukulele ☀️ (@RaDadtouille) October 20, 2021
5 year old: MOMMY THERE'S A FLY EEK— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 21, 2021
Me: We live in Costa Rica; there are flies and more down here. You need to start getting used to that.
5 year old: Ok...is that a roach by your foot?
Me: *jumps on her shoulders* OMGWTFHSLAIEUDSOISONGOUS WHERE?!
Coaching smart 9 y/o girls is cool. You can tell them to “hold your bat like a sword” or “don’t have spaghetti arms” and you know they’re listening because they ask you, “Why are you using so many metaphors?”— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 21, 2021
If by sex party you mean my wife & I getting freaky in the living room while a bin full of our kids' stuffed animals creepily watch, then yes I've been to a sex party— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 19, 2021
You know you’re a mom if you only use your iron for craft projects— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 20, 2021
There’s an urban legend going around that one time a kid went on a 20 minute car ride without a tablet or fidget toys.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 21, 2021
Just when I thought my 4 year old saying “cockcock” instead of chocolate was bad enough, he’s now started saying “cocklick” instead— threetimedaddy (@threetimedaddy) October 17, 2021
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with "k".— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 20, 2021
5: I made a mess so I’m going to clean it up!— Marissa S. Pumpkins 🎃💚🍃💛 (@michimama75) October 20, 2021
Me: *waits for Twilight Zone music to start*