funny tweets

"Sometimes, I’ll say something to my dog then he will blankly stare past me and I just know he’s seeing how I die."
"Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like, 'Heyyy' and 'Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet.'"
"Thought some notification had come in on my husband’s phone but turned out it was the cat snoring."
“Just met 4 dachshunds in the park called Gary, Steve, Kevin and Dave, and my day improved by approximately 659%”
"having a pet rlly shows u how pure love can be, like me n this lil creature love each other to DEATH and nvr held a conversation."
"Once you’ve taken a nap with a dog in the middle of the day, how can you continue to believe in capitalism even a little bit"
"the irish catholic goodbye is when you leave a party and then feel really really guilty about it"
"I got my car stuck in the mud while out with my kids. In related news, I owe $365 to the swear jar."
"I get it dogs, I too want a little treat when I do something right"
"my cat talks a mad amount of s**t for being a creature i can easily pick up and wiggle"