funny tweets

"my cat talks a mad amount of s**t for being a creature i can easily pick up and wiggle"
"Never underestimate the memory of a kid whose sibling didn’t help with chores one time three years ago."
"love when a dog has a stupid name. what do you mean this idiot answers to Typewriter"
"Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university."
"my dog would freak tf out if she knew she was made of bones"
"hey sorry for being so anxious earlier i had no idea everything would be fine"
"I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said 'Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim.'"
"My 7yo just told me I 'breathed in a fussy way' if you want to know how the snow day with everyone home is going."
"When I leave for more than four hours my cat gets so upset she throws up so sometimes I look at my boyfriend and I'm like do you even love me"
"Used my husband's body wash and forgot how to load the dishwasher."