funny tweets
"Cancel my plans my cat just sat on me"
"my pug has 4 beds and takes medicine for his seasonal allergies just like his wolf ancestors"
"'You let your cat in your bed' I’d let my cat borrow my car."
“No matter how much my wife likes her Christmas gifts from me she will like the gift our dog ‘bought her’ more.”
“i dont have a golden retriever husband, i have a yorkie husband. he is small and barks and lashes out at everyone and everything because he is terrified all the time.”
“People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says ‘must be picked up, won’t walk’.”
"Being a Jewish kid of divorce can't be all bad. You get 16 hannukah's."
"You want me to cite my sources? Feminine intuition."
"We just got a report that our kid has spent 34,721 minutes listening to one song, in case you were thinking of having kids.
"My cats are pretty cute and cuddly but if we were all the same size they'd eat me for dinner"