funny tweets

"when i say i got that dog in me i mean im insecure confused and really scared right now"
"it's really unfair that my dog and me can't sit down and share a cup of joe"
"My daughter isn’t even sure why she’s throwing a tantrum but she’s pretty sure it will help."
"my pug has 4 beds and takes medicine for his seasonal allergies just like his wolf ancestors"
"'You let your cat in your bed' I’d let my cat borrow my car."
“No matter how much my wife likes her Christmas gifts from me she will like the gift our dog ‘bought her’ more.”
“i dont have a golden retriever husband, i have a yorkie husband. he is small and barks and lashes out at everyone and everything because he is terrified all the time.”
“People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says ‘must be picked up, won’t walk’.”
"Being a Jewish kid of divorce can't be all bad. You get 16 hannukah's."