Women who’ve been pregnant have plenty of jokes, gripes and random musings to share about the experience. Apparently the same is true of men whose partners have been pregnant.
Over the years, expectant fathers have tweeted about those memorable months leading up to the birth of the baby with their signature dad humour and a dash of earnestness. Here, we’ve rounded them up.
Sticking a margarita in my pregnant wife's face and saying "ain't no fun if the baby can't have none" didn't go over as well as I'd hoped.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 9, 2015
When my wife was pregnant she used to gently nudge me awake in the middle of the night and whisper “I will fucking get you for this”— The Dad (@thedad) September 5, 2018
Before my wife became pregnant, I always assumed Braxton Hicks was a country music artist.— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) April 13, 2018
Me: So when I puke, I'm an "alcoholic," but when YOU puke it's "normal?"— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 11, 2015
Wife: I'M PREGNANT
Me: You always play the baby card
Wife: I'm pregnant— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 8, 2016
Me [realising I'm about to be a dad & thinking of all the sacrifices & adjustments I'll have to make]: hi pregnant
I had my pregnant wife hold my beer as I went to the bathroom...— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 11, 2014
Because I felt she needed to be judged by 300 strangers...
Salesperson: Can I help you?— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 6, 2020
Me [holding up pregnancy pants]: do you have these in mens sizes?
[walking with my pregnant wife]— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) March 13, 2019
Stranger: how far along are you?
Me: finished A Dance with Dragons, just waiting on GRR Martin to finish book 6.
Wife: she was talking to me.
Me: but you haven’t read the books.
My pregnant wife made me adjust the thermostat 9 times in the last 2 minutes.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) November 9, 2015
I can't get the room to be exactly 73.25°
I'm such a failure
my wife: im pregnant— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) February 22, 2019
me: omg thats great
my wife *embarassed*: but now people will know we had sex
My son told my pregnant wife she should swallow some toys so his unborn brother could play with them. He's a genius as far as I'm concerned.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 30, 2013
PRO TIP— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) September 14, 2019
When your angry, hungry, hormonal, pregnant, wife asks you, “Where do you want to eat?”
“I dunno, probably separate rooms...”
Is NOT the right answer...
WIFE: I’m pregnant.— The Dad (@thedad) July 10, 2020
ME: Me too.
WIFE: No, that’s—this isn’t a one-upping thing.
ME: It’s twins.
Wife: Does this dress make me look pregnant?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2015
Me: No, you look good.
Wife: So I don't look good when I'm pregnant?
Me: *flees the country*
“I’m pregnant”— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 23, 2020
- lots of cleaning up required
“I bear the seed of my ancestors”
- u could definitely slay orcs
- im playing D&D rn
Turns out suggesting your wife pretend she’s pregnant and designated drive is a poor choice for Retro Date Night— dadpression (@Dadpression) November 2, 2015
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.— A Bearer Of Dad News🇬🇾 (@HomeWithPeanut) October 7, 2019
My 3 year-old asked, "What happened to her belly?"
I replied, "There's a baby in there."
3 was horrified; "She ate a baby?!"
Sensing a good opportunity, I said "Yes."
Sleep well tonight, kid.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 8, 2021
[woman stops my pregnant wife & I]— David Hughes (@david8hughes) April 10, 2016
Her: when are you due?
Wife: middle of may
Her: what are you having?
Me: a fucken baby
women, stop putting your hand on your mans stomach in pictures. he's not pregnant and it looks stupid.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) September 17, 2020
My pregnant wife threw up chocolate because apparently the baby doesn’t like it.— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 8, 2015
In other news, she’s carrying the Antichrist.
[Walking with pregnant wife]— The Dad (@thedad) August 31, 2018
Girl on the street: awe *touches wife's stomach* what is it?
Me: THAT *points at wife* is my wife
Girl: I know that. I mean what kind of baby?
Me: um human *under breath* idiot
[tech captures screenshot of pregnant woman's first ultrasound]— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 3, 2015
baby: delete it
Someone just told me his wife is 39 weeks pregnant. Thats not a good scale for me cos I don't know how long it takes. Just say "pregnant af"— David Hughes (@david8hughes) September 26, 2017
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 11, 2015
Pregnant wife: She won't. She waits till she's born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: my wife is pregnant so she’s been rewatching watching Game of Thrones— The Dad (@thedad) February 26, 2020
Coworker: oh congrats, how far along is she?
Me: season 3
Me: Let’s name her Éclair— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) February 13, 2019
Wife: [pregnant] We’re not naming her after a donut
Me: Technically, an éclair is a French pastry — not a donut. The distinction-
Wife: Still no
After a long conversation with my wife I now admit that “buckle the fuck up, buttercup” was probably not the best response to our friends announcing their first pregnancy.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) January 17, 2020
Me: How was your first day without coffee?— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 16, 2020
Wife: Fine. Remember I quit cold turkey when I was pregnant
Me: Yeah, but you tried to stab me
Wife: No, I didn’t
Me: I guess a lack of coffee causes memory loss
Serena Williams won a grand slam tennis tournament while pregnant and I didn't feel like getting out of bed last week because I had a cold.— Doyin Richards - Fully Vaccinated (@daddydoinwork) April 19, 2017
Pregnant wife: I think we should have the baby at home— The Dad (@thedad) June 19, 2018
Me: ugh can't it live with your parents?