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We’re all heard the old adage “two wrongs don’t make a right”. But in reality, when we’ve been hurt, logic sometimes goes out of the window.
This week’s reader, Lewis, has created quite the predicament for himself after ‘revenge cheating’ on his girlfriend.
“I cheated on my girlfriend with my best friend, because I found out she cheated on me,” he says. “Now she won’t accept my apology unless I end my friendship with all my female friends she doesn’t trust. Please help.”
Revenge cheating is actually a “really common knee-jerk reaction” to being hurt in this way, says Counselling Directory member Rachel Matthews.
“And yet, as Lewis is experiencing, it often adds even more complications into the mix,” she tells HuffPost UK. “Our main driver to doing this, is to make ourselves feel better or make the cheating spouse feel worse – but this is rarely the outcome we get. We can feel guilty, confused, even more vulnerable.”
So, what should Lewis do?
What would you say to this reader?
Lewis should first think about what compelled him to act this way, suggests therapist Kimberly Tomlinson.
“I’m sure you’ve done a lot of beating yourself up and regret is probably sinking in massively, but focusing solely on you, I would ask yourself why you acted out when having a negative experience and if this is a regular occurrence,” she says.
“Proactively dealing with uncomfortable emotions is hard, but are you quick to run to ‘bite back’ or do you crave instant gratification? If yes, then being mindful of how those feelings can manifest in your day to day life as well as [considering] do you have the ability to self soothe [may be helpful].”
Matthews adds that an affair or one-off cheating tends to happen when a current relationship isn’t meeting your needs, so this is something for Lewis to consider.
“In Lewis’s case, I would want to explore what happened when he found his girlfriend had cheated on him,” she says. “Were they able to talk through what happened and why? Was Lewis able to share his feelings? Was his girlfriend able to explain hers? Openness and transparency to rebuild trust is really important here, to come to terms with what has taken place.”
What complications arise when cheating occurs with a friend?
Cheating with a friend creates a new dynamic in the friendship and may also be harder to move on from, because it opens up a lot of questions for everybody.
‘A boundary has been crossed and going back to ‘normal’ isn’t really an option unless you plan on playing the ignoring game. It opens up questions like, ‘was it just a one off thing?’ ‘Has there always been something there?’ ‘How does the friend feel about me now?’” Tomlinson says.
“Also the feeling of regret comes up again, which can be really hurtful because knowing that someone regrets doing something with you, particularly sex which is a vulnerable, intimate act, can be hard to digest for either party much less get past it.
“Then comes trying to convince your partner that you simply value that person’s friendship and nothing else alone when your actions have said otherwise.”
Can a relationship be repaired if you’ve both cheated?
Matthews points out that there’s two relationships at stake in Lewis’s case, the romantic one and the platonic one.
“I’m unsure if a friendship can survive this, but my question would be right now – what is the most important thing to save – the relationship or the friendship. It feels that sacrifices will need to be made in the short term, for long term gain – depending on what Lewis wants,” she says.
“If the friendship was purely platonic, would the cheating have occurred? How would Lewis feel, if his girlfriend remained best friends with the person she cheated on him with?
“These are questions only the couple can answer, and I think here is the most important thing in the dilemma, what do they both want?”
She says it is possible to rebuild a romantic relationship after cheating – even if it’s happened both ways. But it’ll take time to rebuild trust between this couple.
What practical steps can this couple take to move forward?
Both therapists advocate for open and honest communication.
“Individually you need to think about why you cheated. Now I know this says it’s because he found out that she cheated, but that doesn’t automatically equal running into the arms of another,” says Tomlinson.
“Really think about your relationship, figure out where the cracks and issues are and talk about it but getting rid of friends doesn’t replace trust. How do you plan on building back the foundations in your relationship? How does each person rebuilt trust for the other because again there was infidelity on both sides.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.