Like many of my peers, I began creating adult content during the pandemic after my job as a gallery director was indefinitely put on hold.
Though I never imagined my professional life heading in this direction, I had no qualms about doing sex work. It’s fun, rarely boring, and a lot of my strategic and administrative skills from my past career proved valuable for curating my fan page.
It also brought in a decent flow of income at a time when I needed it the most.
I never would have guessed how involved in the industry I would eventually find myself, but now that I am, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I’m working with studios, writing columns and interviews for the leading gay porn gossip site, snagging award nominations, and writing scripts. I’m also starting grad school soon, which is something I never thought was on the cards for me.
Given what a huge part of my life the adult entertainment industry has become, I felt it was time I came out to my mother ― not as gay, which she already knew, but as a porn star. I assumed that she would be shocked, but ultimately she would be accepting of my new career.
I could not have been more wrong.
I understand that I probably temporarily short-circuited her CPU with my news and that a lot of what she was saying, though abrasive, was primarily coming from a place of concern.
The bulk of her reaction was rooted in stereotypes that a large portion of the general population still holds about the adult industry and sex work in general. However, these stereotypes are not rooted in facts, and I want to clear up some of the misconceptions about porn that my mother and many others have.
The first thing that my mother asked is if I am using condoms for every shoot. Sorry mom, but no, not all of the time. Since the introduction of PrEP (Pre-exposure prophylaxis), the majority of men who have sex with men, both in and out of the industry, are not using condoms as much as they used to.
That doesn’t mean we aren’t being safe. PrEP is highly effective at preventing HIV infection and STI testing is mandatory for performers at all of the professional porn studios that I’ve worked with.
The industry has its own clinics for adult film actors to be tested and treated at, and Covid testing is also mandatory prior to and on the day of all shoots. Fun fact: I have had two STIs in my life and they both occurred well before my porn debut.
After I explained this to my mother, she expressed her distress that I would die by suicide. I know that deep down this fear was coming from a place of worry that is undoubtedly fuelled by the belief that we sex workers are all damaged goods who nurse our wounds with promiscuous sex, drugs and alcohol until we finally bring about our premature deaths (thank you, Hollywood).
I’ve actually discovered there are more sober folks in this industry than in my past career and many other professions, and that makes sense. We are performers who utilise our bodies to make a living. If we care about producing quality work, we’re not going to jeopardise the very thing that we need to create it.
From my experience, mental health is actually a top priority in the industry. Whenever I’ve been on a production, the comfort of the actors has always been prioritised. I have even worked on productions with counsellors on set. There are also organisations, like Pineapple Support, that offer services and therapy to people in the sex-working community. Porn stars can lead happy and healthy lives ― on and off the screen ― and we’d be even happier and healthier if there was less stigma surrounding what we do.
Ultimately, my mother believes I’ll be happiest if I find someone to love and who will love me. Even before I began doing porn, she would ask, “Have you found a boyfriend yet?” during all of our conversations, so I wasn’t surprised when she said that I am now essentially undateable because of my career.
This is obviously not true. I have met people in all kinds of relationships and partnership configurations in my industry, and am happy to call many of them my friends. Some couples include individuals who both work in the adult industry, and they have created and maintained beautiful relationships while doing sex work. Other performers have partners that work in different fields and they have no issues.
I’m not desperate for a partner. I’ve had my share of enticing prospects, but I’m yet to meet anybody that makes me feel as good as I do when I’m sleeping in a bed by myself. That’s not to say I’m opposed to commitment if the right person comes along ― I’m just not worried about it, and I know there are lots of ways to be loved and find affection without a boyfriend or husband.
What’s more, being a porn star doesn’t make me inherently flawed, in need of fixing or unlovable. If someone is truly right for me, he will accept me as I am ― including my sex work ― and love me because of all of it, not despite it.
I didn’t hear from my mother for a few weeks after I came out to her as an adult performer. When she began to call again, she carried on talking about her work and her friends as she always used to, but I noticed she dominated the conversation more than she did in the past.
She has always been the one to steer the calls but since disclosing my porn star status, she’s put in extra effort to keep me from contributing anything more than a response to what she’s talking about. I know she doesn’t want to hear about my new life, and she’s doing whatever she can to avoid discussing it. During our last call, I mentioned that I was recently in Las Vegas for work and she immediately changed the topic.
I would like nothing more than for my mother to at least acknowledge that I am succeeding at something that I enjoy and that it’s allowing me other opportunities like writing and going to grad school. I also know that my sex work is not something she may ever approve of, much less be proud of, and I’ve made peace with that.
My mother comes from a different time and she, like so many others, has spent her entire life being shaped by a culture that tells us sex work is dangerous, unhealthy, immoral and damaging.
Overcoming that level of stigma isn’t easy and it may not ever happen for her ― it certainly won’t happen overnight. That doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying. I believe the more people learn, the more they can change, and I want to be a part of that for my mother and as many other people as possible. I know that my mother loves me, even if she can’t or won’t support this part of my life now or ever.
Thankfully, I am surrounded by other people who love and support me, and who I love and support in return. They are as proud of the things that I have accomplished as I am of their achievements. I didn’t just begin a new career when I started doing adult entertainment, I found a whole new community full of incredible people, and I’m grateful for everything that has come my way.
Five years ago I never would have thought I’d be where I am now, doing what I’m doing, or coming out to my mother as a gay porn star. Maybe in a few months or a few years, things will have changed all over again.
Maybe my mother will finally see how happy and successful I am and give me her approval. But I’m not holding my breath. For now, I’ll just keep looking forward to her calls because she is still my mother, I am still her son, and who knows where the next conversation will take us?
AJ Sloan is an adult film actor and scriptwriter, queer sex columnist, and content creator. He has a B.A. in anthropology and sociology from Hunter College in New York City and is currently in grad school for clinical psychology at Antioch University in Los Angeles. He has worked with top studios both stateside and abroad and has many columns under his belt as the lead porn star writer for Fleshbot, the longest-running porn blog. Keep in touch with him via Instagram.
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