24/01/2018 12:00 GMT | Updated 25/01/2018 10:01 GMT

I Had Glitter In All The Wrong Places During My Smear

Vladimir Nenov / EyeEm via Getty Images

“Miss, erm, oh this is a weird one”

I’m in the doctor’s waiting room. I then hear the doctor nervously call out a strange sound before coughing awkwardly, cueing me to assume it must be my appointment time.

I should probably start being more assertive and insisting on people saying my name properly. I’m getting quite fed up of people’s response to hearing my name being, “can I just call you something else?”

“No you bloody can’t”, is what I should say.

I went through all of university answering to and being referred to as either Laz or Owawa.

Anyway, I digress. Doctor’s surgery. In I go…

“Take off your tights and knickers, then lay down on the bed”, says the Doctor, bluntly.

“Ooh very forward of you, I normally have to be bought dinner before that.”

I thought a pre-smear test joke would be appropriate. She did not laugh.

I did as I was told. I took of my tights and knickers before manoeuvring myself over to the paper topped bed. Shuffling with my knees together to preserve my modesty.

I was then instructed to put my feet towards my bum and open my legs. I knew I looked like a chicken on a baking tray. To make it even more glamorous she then lowered a light over me.

There was a slight pause that felt 10 years long before she said:

“Oh, Miss Passeri. You’ve certainly made a lot of effort…“You’re very, erm…sparkly”

A wave of horror came over me as her words began to make sense.

No. No. No.

I then remembered.

I stared at a poster on the wall about the importance of getting enough fruit and veg. The artwork was beautiful, the words so profound, the font was perfection. Anything to take my mind off my shimmery ‘cookie’.

So, here’s a bit of an explanation. I got up late that morning, jumped into the shower and slapped on some body lotion. I did all of this without my contact lenses in. I’m blind as a bat without them in. I’ve even been known to get on the wrong bus and all sorts. I have two body lotions. Both coconut scented, one is normal, one is shimmery for party time. Guess which one I grabbed. Party time was not appropriate for this setting.

You’ll be glad to know I have since binned the sparkly one, I am a grown-up after all.

So, that’s the reason I’m in a doctor’s surgery, legs open and sparkling away. It was all over in a couple of minutes. I got dressed quickly, grabbed my bag, avoided eye contact and headed for the door whilst mumbling an embarrassed, “Thank you very much.”

I got the door, desperate to leave. So desperate in fact that I actually broke the door handle. It came off in my hand.

“I bet that happens all the time”, I said to fill the space.

“No, never’ said the doctor.

I handed her the door handle and escorted my glittery self as far away from her as possible.

Several months later I was walking through town doing some shopping when I saw someone I recognised but couldn’t think where from. I gave them a big smile and a half wave as we walked past one another. A few moments later I worked it out…i t was the doctor who performed my sparkly smear test. Surprised she recognised me with my clothes on.

Smear tests are bloody important, all females should go… just don’t do what I did.

In all seriousness, if you’re old enough to have a smear test then you have to go. Don’t be stupid and avoid going. 

Go for your smear tests, sparkly bits or not, go!

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