In both casual conversation and written discourse, there are two common terms that are often used to describe someone who does not have children: “child-free” and “childless.”
Though they share the same root word, they have vastly different connotations, and both words suggest a value judgment that a person might perceive as inaccurate or even painful.
Rather than assuming which word someone prefers, it’s usually a good idea to ask them directly — and to be open to the conversation that may follow. You may learn something important about your friend, or become aware of your own bias.
Here are some things to keep in mind as you consider when — or if — to use one term or the other.
“Child-free” implies a choice
An increasing number of people, particularly women, are choosing to use the term “child-free” — many with overtness and pride.
“Child-free would imply an active decision to not pursue having children,” Kristen Mahoney, a licensed professional counsellor in Virginia and Washington, D.C., told HuffPost.
This term, she pointed out, generally excludes “reasons related to infertility, pregnancy losses, timing, or other factors that may have prevented having a child(ren) at some point.”
Some people underscore this element of free choice by describing themselves as “child-free by choice” to ensure clarity on the question of intention.
“The ‘free’ element typically denotes a positive connection to not having children, a proactive choice, making the term more empowering,” Kara Kays, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Colorado, told HuffPost.
It’s worth noting that “child-free” is a term coined more recently, to describe a reality that, for generations, didn’t exist in society’s imagination. Simply having a word to describe not having children as a valid option rather than an unfortunate situation offers people — particularly women — a different way of defining their lives.
“I think it can be helpful for a person to be able to have a term that conveys, ‘Hey, children aren’t an option I wanted to pursue. It’s not the life I wanted for several reasons,’” Mahoney said.
Katelin Buchanan, a therapist in Virginia, came to value the term “child-free” as she coped with fertility struggles. She was part of a RESOLVE support group for people dealing with infertility and trying to reckon with the possibility of never becoming a parent when she came across a different group for “child-free living.”
“It was the first time it dawned on me that I could actually make a choice to jump off the rollercoaster and live a child-free life,” Buchanan told HuffPost.
“I have a vivid memory of feeling somewhat empowered and even slightly hopeful, as it was a reminder that I actually did have a choice to stop and identify as a woman who was no less than other women with children.”
While Buchanan went on to have children via surrogacy, “I do genuinely appreciate this term as an option for people who do not have children.”
Childless defines someone by a lack, or an absence
People who don’t have children may take offence to the connotation that their lives are defined by this absence of children, or that they’re somehow “less than.”
“Childless sounds like someone to pity,” Gwen A. of California told HuffPost.
Underscoring the lack of children can also bring up painful feelings for people.
“If you’ve tried to pursue having a child and it has not worked out, for whatever reason, using a term that could make someone feel ‘less than’ is adding salt to a wound,” Mahoney said.
Yet some people for whom not having kids has been painful may appreciate the way that “childless” acknowledges their loss or their grief.
“I prefer the term childless,” Natalie Barry of Colorado, who has been through multiple failed cycles of IVF, told HuffPost.
“I did not make the choice to not have children. I struggle with it daily, and I am learning to come to terms with my grief,” she said.
While she doesn’t begrudge others’ use of the word “child-free,” Barry doesn’t relate to it herself: “I did not choose this outcome, but this is what happened.”
Cathi Scritchfield of Maui told HuffPost, “I don’t care for either term in regard to identifying myself. Being someone who struggled with infertility, it feels more complicated, and I guess I am still very sensitive ... even though it has been many years.”
“It wasn’t my choice, so the term ‘child-free’ doesn’t resonate with me,” she explained.
But even when a word is accurate, there may be other reasons not to use it. Scritchfield described the word “childless” as “a knife in my heart.”
“Maybe this label is most applicable to me, but I don’t like it. It makes me feel less than ... less than what? A lesser part of a community? Looked down upon? Not worthy? Left out?”
We lack a word to describe someone who wanted kids but doesn’t have them, and that acknowledges both their pain and that their life is still complete — that it is possible to be both sad and whole at the same time.
Both terms enforce the idea that having kids is the norm
One problem with both terms is that they centre the having or not having of children as a defining characteristic of a person’s life — which it indeed may be, but is not always.
“While I’d like to think that the fact I’m not a mother is the least interesting thing about me, it does shape nearly every aspect of my life, in ways I often don’t think about,” Jenn Binis of New York told HuffPost. Binis added that she corrects people who call her “childless,” explaining that she is actually “child-free”.
For women especially, it can be frustrating that this one part of their life carries so much weight in others’ estimation of them.
“I have so far in my life made a decision not to have children, but I don’t understand why adult individuals have to be defined by either having or not having children,” Lauren of Belfast, Ireland told HuffPost.
“I do not have children, but I wonder why this term is used to describe adults who have an abundance of other qualities, characteristics and roles in their life, other than being a parent,” she added.
Sharon from Virginia told HuffPost: “Both of these terms seem to imply a value judgment, on the part of the speaker or the person being described.”
We don’t all share the same values, and few of us could neatly sum up all of our thoughts about having kids.
“Different people have different feelings about being without children, and some of us have mixed feelings,” Sharon continued. “I would hope most of us could recognise that there are both positives and negatives to not having children.”
Since you often won’t know a person’s story, and certainly won’t be privy to their emotional experience, the safest bet is generally to ask them what language they prefer — and then to set aside your assumptions as they tell you as much as they’d like to share.
Mahoney suggested that you pause before speaking on someone’s behalf by using one of these terms, and ask yourself, “Should I actually be the person communicating anything about another person’s decision or circumstances for not having children?”