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Let’s be honest, we’ve all told tiny, white lies. Sometimes it feels easier to lie than to tell the truth. Especially when the lie is so small, right? Usually, there’s no harm in telling these little fabrications, but it’s not nice being on the receiving end.
This week’s reader, Danielle, has noticed that her partner keeps lying to her and she doesn’t know what to do. “My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for over a year now and I really love him and do see a future with him that could lead to marriage and children,” Danielle says.
“However, my current dilemma in our relationship is that he has been lying to me about small things and also omitting pieces of information about his past (especially his health history) and it is really making me uncomfortable.”
“What should I do? I don’t want to be pushy but I can’t help but feel a bit cheated. We’re talking about moving in together within the next year, and I don’t know if I could move forward with this next step in our relationship and our lives if he isn’t going to be vulnerable with me.”
Should Danielle confront her partner? Counselling Directory member Natasha-Rae Adams weighs in.
What would you say to this reader?
“Being in a relationship with a partner who tells ‘micro-lies’ can be incredibly challenging and can lead to feelings of uneasiness, fear and even anxiety,” Adams says.
“From what I’ve read, it seems as if your partner’s lying about ‘small things’ is acting as a barrier to you building a healthy and sustainable future with him. Sometimes ‘micro-lies’ can spark a cycle of mistrust which can eat away at the intimacy and connection in the relationship.”
How can small lies affect a relationship?
Trust should be at the centre of all relationships and small lies can pose a threat to building a long-term relationship.
“Often, it is not the unveiling of the truth behind lies, but the very act of lying itself that erodes trust. Many can have little care for the content of the lie, but recognise the action of lying itself as akin to betrayal,” Adams says.
Adams continues: “The erosion of trust in a relationship can lead to feelings of anxiety, fear and uneasiness. Importantly, this distrust can be felt on both sides – the partner telling these micro-lies can sometimes either mistrust their partner’s reaction or struggle to be vulnerable with their significant other; and the partner receiving these micro-lies can begin to doubt their partner even when they are being truthful.”
Unless Danielle priorities communication, doubt, and mistrust will continue to grow. “Micro-lies can ultimately act as a barrier in relationships which thwarts connection and intimacy.”
What practical advice can you give this reader?
Adams emphasises that Danielle communicating how she feels. “Sometimes, creating a space for some reparative work can alleviate these feelings of mistrust.”
“Ask your partner if you can schedule some time to talk openly about the current state of your relationship and name what your intentions are to ultimately bring you closer together,” Adams adds.
“Commit to holding a non-judgemental space for one another to share and be vulnerable. Openly share and acknowledge your current feelings around these ‘micro-lies’ and the wider impact they are having on you, offering your experience without criticising your partner. ‘I’, rather than ‘you’ statements, is a good way to enact this.
She hopes that Danielle offering her vulnerability will encourage her partner to share his own vulnerabilities. “In turn, invite and listen to your partner’s experience.”
“Discuss each of your accountabilities in this scenario and be open to the idea that your partner’s micro-lying may be a learned behaviour prior to the relationship, or it may be something within the relationship that triggers this behaviour.”
Both parties should communicate their needs going forward and put a plan in place to enact this.” Beyond addressing the issue of micro-lies, look for other ways that you can restore intimacy so that you can move the relationship back into a space of connection.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.
