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By the time we reach our mid-twenties, it can feel like most people have been in a few relationships – but what if this isn’t your reality? You want love but you’re ashamed to admit it hasn’t quite happened yet. You ask yourself if something is wrong with you, and more urgently, if you’ll ever find love.
This is the case for this week’s reader, Patricia. “I’m 26 years old, and I’ve never had a boyfriend,” she writes. “This wouldn’t be a problem in itself, but ever since I moved to a new country/became independent, I feel more pressured to find a significant other.”
This pressure, she says, comes not just from her family but from casual acquaintances, even strangers, who throw out comments such as “you’re such a nice girl, how come you’re single’? or “we weren’t made to be alone”.“This paired with the fact that I only managed to have flings so far, which never developed into serious/meaningful relationships,” Patricia says.
The story goes more or less like this: I meet someone, we spend time together getting to know each other, and after a couple of weeks they say they’re not ready for a serious relationship.”
These experiences have left Patricia questioning if there’s something wrong with her and if she’s worthy of a relationship. “I know that romantic love is an experience that many humans never have and that it is still possible to live a fulfilling life in spite of that, so I have been trying to accept that it might never happen to me,” she says. “However, I must admit that sometimes I feel like I’m missing out on something major that seems to be natural to most people.”
Counselling Directory member Laila Fish shares her advice for Patricia.
Why can there be so much pressure to get into a relationship and how can you release herself from this pressure?
There are a range of pressures on people to embark on relationships, says Fish, including family and societal expectations.
“Family members may have good intentions, they may have experienced this pressure themselves, and would like to see you in a relationship as maybe they are worried about you moving to a new country – despite how frustrating this sounds for you!” she says.
The next time a family member or friend asks Patricia about relationships, Fish wants her to pay attention to herself – “does it make you feel sad or frustrated – this can often tell us a lot” – and take a deep breath before responding. Meanwhile, to release herself from societal pressures, Fish says it’s helpful to avoid comparing herself to other people her age.
“Embrace your independence. It sounds like you are doing amazingly and enjoy all the opportunities ahead of you,” she advises Patricia. “Knowing what you want allows you to tune out society’s messages that don’t reflect your desires currently.
“It can be tough seeing everyone you know meeting someone romantically, but that doesn’t mean it is something that you necessarily want and that’s OK.”
How can you hold on to hope you’ll find someone special?
“Patricia sounds confident and independent and needs to believe in herself that when the time is right she will find the right person, and until then to enjoy meeting new people,” Fish says.
“Patricia says that the people she meets only last a short while. I would advise reframing this perspective into thinking how interesting and great an opportunity to meet new people is. Then, if one day a relationship happens, it does.”
Fish recommends she focuses on herself first and works on her self-esteem.
“Don’t be afraid of feeling like you are missing out on something – that something is ‘you’ and independence right now is your best friend. Also, be kind to yourself and challenge your negative beliefs that you may not be worthy.”
What practical tips would you give this reader to get into a relationship?
Expanding your interests and social activities can provide opportunities to meet different people, Fish says, but it’s important to start with what you want to do.
“Spending time thinking about your likes and dislikes as well as your goals can enable you to be clearer about who you are,” she explains. “Discovering other goals to focus on such as your professional life, your health, alongside meeting someone, can help you feel more confident and empowered if/when you do.”
She suggests Patricia ‘dates herself’ to get to know herself. “Go for a walk in the park, journal about your values and aims in life, go to that museum and see that film – this will all help towards you developing your self-esteem and consequently feeling worthy.”
In the end: “Focusing on finding happiness in your own life will pay dividends to avoid any relationship escalator your family or society is rushing you towards.”
Love Stuck is for those who’ve hit a romantic wall, whether you’re single or have been coupled up for decades. With the help of trained sex and relationship therapists, HuffPost UK will help answer your dilemmas. Submit a question here.