Warning: This article contains major spoilers for the latest episode of Succession.
Anyone who’s so much as opened Twitter recently will have heard about the, well, complicated passing of Succession’s Logan Roy.
And in the most recent episode, we saw that Rava – Kendall’s estranged wife – decided against going to the funeral with their kids over fears for their safety. Meanwhile Shiv’s husband (?!) – who knows what’s going on there – Tom, took an equally avoidant role because he had to work.
And while neither of those pairs are technically couples – and even though most of us will never have to face post-funeral riots surrounding the election of a president our billionaire dad’s media company unfairly favoured – it did make me wonder: what are the rest of us meant to do when our partner is grieving?
With grief being such a nebulous, unpredictable force, BACP-accredited therapist Jackie Rogers has shared some of the things not to do when supporting someone through grief.
1. Don’t try to predict what their grief will look like
Death affects different people in completely different ways, Rogers says. And that means that offering even pretty standard advice – like getting your partner to open up or encouraging them to let the sobs loose – might not be what they specifically need.
Some people “cope”, or appear to cope, perfectly, she says. Others will need more attention and time.
Some benefit from talking about their grief, but – just like we have different ways of expressing love – not all of us will want to express ourselves the same way, or even at all, in grief. And not everyone will cry, or appear straightforwardly sad, Rogers says.
Instead, some people may feel angry, confused, relieved, even in an unusually good mood – and this is completely “normal” (or at least, as normal as grief gets).
2. Don’t forget to acknowledge your own pain
When your partner is grieving – especially if the person they’ve lost is closer to them than you, like a family member or their childhood best friend – airing your own feelings of sadness, confusion, anger, relief, loss, and more can feel selfish and unkind.
And it can feel unfair to bring up how you feel about how they’re dealing with loss, too.
But Rogers says it’s important “not to put your feelings on the back burner”. Of course, that doesn’t mean you should ignore your partner’s pain – instead, she says, it’s important to keep some judgement-free lines of communication open.
Something as simple as saying “I’m a bit worried, because you seem to be doing badly” can help to maintain your connection, Rogers reckons.
3. Try not to compare your partner’s grief to others
Just as you shouldn’t dismiss your own feelings of loss by comparing them to your partner’s, Rogers says it’s wise to avoid comparing grief processes at all.
“You may wonder: why’s that family member doing alright, while my partner isn’t?” she says. But this is an unhelpful line of thought.
Everyone will grieve differently, and their grief can change at any time. In fact, some people may appear to be doing well – even thriving – after a loss, only to struggle years down the line.
Others may start off struggling and later flourish. As Rogers says, “everyone is different”.
4. Don’t set a time limit on their grief
Rogers says that people have asked her clients if they’re “over” a death a mere two weeks after it happened.
Hopefully, this seems ridiculous to most of us – but this sort of countdown clock approach to grief is more common than we think.
But Rogers says it can take “weeks, months, years” for the grieving process to even start, and it may never finish.
Grief can cycle, too – say year one is easy, year two feels impossible, and you start feeling “normal” again around year three, that doesn’t mean year five, 10, or even 30 will be easy.
So bear in mind that if you’re in a relationship for the long haul, their grief will likely be part of that.
5. Don’t try to fix everything
It’s very hard to watch someone you love suffer, Rogers says. But, tough as it might be, it’s important to be mindful and stay present with their pain.
“Sit with your partner – or not,” Rogers advises when I ask how to manage difficult emotions. Depending on your partner’s needs, they might need space or attention, time together or apart.
Both seeing your partner break down in front of you and knowing they’re going through some of their trickiest emotions alone can bring out our inner white knights.
But either way, you should resist the urge to stem the tears, soothe the anger, or solve their sadness – there is “no rulebook” for grief, Rogers says. It’s a huge life-changing experience.
6. Don’t try to assume your partner’s relationship with the deceased
Like with the Roy children, your partner might have lost someone they had a complicated relationship with.
This may be with an estranged parent, a family member they (perhaps unfairly) idolised, or a friend they haven’t spoken to in decades.
But, as we discussed earlier, Rogers stresses that grieving is very rarely a case of ‘I am straightforwardly sad for the loss of this person I uncomplicatedly loved’.
Your partner might be losing the “fantasy” of an absent parent, she says, so they could be grieving the loss of potential. Or perhaps they feel they’ve lost a family idol.
No matter what they feel, the therapist says it’s important to remember that you’ll “never fully know” the unique relationship your partner had with the deceased – and that trying to judge it from an outsider’s perspective is unlikely to benefit either of you.
7. And lastly, avoid clichés
Rogers recommends avoiding phrases like “they had a good innings” or “at least they’re no longer in pain”, as these can minimise your partner’s grief.
While it might feel like these phrases could help your partner to re-frame their loss, Rogers says that in reality, they often just end up feeling dismissive.
So, the bottom line here is that you should try your best to accept your feelings and your partner’s feelings in whatever chaotic, unpredictable form they take.
Comparisons, deadlines and assumptions are all unhelpful – as are misguided attempts to placate their feelings.
And remember, if you or your partner needs further support, you can always reach out to an accredited therapist or counsellor. Charities like Cruse Bereavement Support, The Good Grief Trust and Child Bereavement UK can also help.