Should I Let My Husband Stay Friends With His Mistress?

"I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do."

“Just over 3 months ago my husband confessed to having an affair with a close friend of his. It was someone he has known for many, many years- about the same length of time that he has known me.”

This is how Reddit user ThrowawayRa_8476 started her post in the /r/relationships subreddit, after stating that she’d been with her husband for 20 years and that the two have three children under the age of 10 together.

She went on to say that his initial plan was to leave their marriage. He confessed the details of his betrayal to his wife, his family, and even his colleagues before, “signing a lease for a place, furnishing it and paying upfront a year’s worth of rent.” She added that he could afford to do this because he remortgaged their home to do it.


The cheating husband was convinced to stay

The Reddit user said that she urged him to stay and give their marriage a chance as she felt they owed it to their 20 years together to fight for their relationship, adding: “It took a lot of work convincing him but he ended up deciding to stay. And in the end, it was his decision to stay, and since making this decision he has said over and over that he is exactly where he wants to be - with his family.”

She also said in the post: “I can see he is committed to rebuilding our marriage. He wants it as much as I do.”

However, there’s one problem and it’s not that the Reddit user remains tied to somebody that clearly doesn’t value her.

It turns out that, in what she calls “red flags” and I would call “reasons to kick him right out of the house without hesitation”, while he is no longer technically communicating with his mistress, he does still follow her on social media and won’t delete her phone number.

Not only has he not completely cut ties with the mistress but the Reddit user confessed: “He says because [he and his mistress] were friends prior to cheating he would like for them to still have a friendship. I have said I’m not comfortable with that, I said it the first time he made that suggestion and he brought it up again just a few days ago.”

She ended the post stating that she was “worried how this might impact our marriage if he is permanently cut off from her and I am unsure on what to do.”

So, should he stay friends with his mistress after the affair has ended?

While the top comment says that him wanting to be friends with his mistress is enough of a dealbreaker, another user made a great point: “She begged him to stay after he had an affair and remortgaged their house, [the Reddit user] isn’t ending anything. The guy knows that he doesn’t even need to do the bare minimum.”

While this may have been harshly-worded, especially when you consider their home circumstances and just how vulnerable the poster must be, it does seem to be the consensus in responses to the post.

User WittyStock said: “Suggesting he keep her in his life once was outrageous. Twice is putting a “Just Divorce Me” sign around his neck. You probably should have just let his treacherous ass walk out the door the first time.”

And user Corfiz74 put it perfectly saying: “Honestly, if a guy has to be convinced to stay with you, and went to the length of remortgaging the communal family home in order to leave with his [mistress], and potentially leave his family - HIS CHILDREN! - HOMELESS - I wouldn’t want to keep him, anyway.”

I have to say, they make a really great point.