Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Although Twitter has rebranded to X, the humour lives on.
Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on the social media platform to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
my 2yo demanded a "skateboard song" at bedtime (idk how he knows what a skateboard is ???) and i told him i did not know a skateboard song but he insisted and so i sang "sk8er boi" and he went straight to sleep.
— emily petrini (@emilykmay) February 20, 2024
No one laughs or even smiles anymore when I sing “Lord I was born a scramblin’ man” every time I make eggs but that’s the dad life, baby.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 18, 2024
Not to brag but my daughter ate the fruit I packed in her lunch today. pic.twitter.com/cCRocEkbpl
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) February 19, 2024
Being a parent to a toddler is messing with my vocab. Told someone that I was sorry I was late because I got stuck waiting on a choo choo train to pass
— Trey (@treydayway) February 18, 2024
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) February 19, 2024
Caught my 5yo sneaking around after bedtime carrying a set of 2lb dumbbells back to her room
— Average Dad (@Average_Dad1) February 21, 2024
Me: uh hey kid, whatcha doing?
5: Dad. I need strength. For the night.
My 6yo got home from school and crawled into bed with a tube of pringles, so I guess it was a rough day in kindergarten
— meghan (@deloisivete) February 21, 2024
I had come to expect that my sons would eventually start calling me “bruh”. I did not anticipate that I would be calling them “bruh” in return.
— redyellowgreendance 💃🏻 (@RYGdance) February 18, 2024
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 21, 2024
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) February 20, 2024
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has "ruined his life's plans".
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) February 22, 2024
My 5yo: I AM GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT A DRAGON AND LETTUCE.
— Courtney Ellis 🎈 (@courtneyellis) February 20, 2024
Me *after ten minutes of story*: Let’s wrap it up, Babe.
5yo: AND THEN EVERYONE DIED.
Me: That’ll work.
I had to print out directions to take my kid to an appointment today because of the cell service outage and suddenly I’m in high school again, driving my ‘93 Camry while blasting Green Day.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) February 22, 2024
Me: You were born via c section
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 21, 2024
7yo: What’s that mean
Me: It means they cut my stomach and pulled you out
7yo: Oh I thought they pulled me out of your butt hole
My 2 yo woke up said she was hungry, ate a sandwich and went right back to sleep. 💀💀💀
— Princess (@themultiplemom) February 19, 2024
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 20, 2024
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Math tests should involve more real world problems like someone waking you screaming in your face while you calculate ‘if 36-47lbs, 4-5yo, take 1.5tsp every 6-8hrs do not exceed 4 in 24hrs’ but they are 34lbs and 6-7yo and you can’t find the measuring cup.
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) February 17, 2024
Once I finished assembling the bookshelf my 7YO said, “great job give your-shelf a pat on the back”
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) February 20, 2024
Now, she is the World’s Best Dad
My toddler gave a warm welcome to my husband’s twin brother this weekend. And by warm welcome I mean he called him Daddy.
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) February 19, 2024
There's an ambulance outside as we walk into a store, and when my husband says that someone must be sick or hurt, my 7yo loudly proclaims, "BUT WHY would they 𝙗𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 them to Walmart?!"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) February 20, 2024
My kids keep losing all the forks and spoons so now we have no choice but to eat with butter knives.
— Mommy Needs A Life (@mom_needsalife) February 19, 2024
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) February 22, 2024
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle