best parenting tweets

"Modern parenting is making sure your kids say 'please' when they ask Alexa to play something"
"I took my 6yo to softball practice and then realised it was cancelled. My 6yo smiled at me, 'Well, look at that, we yelled at each other for nothing.'"
"My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder"
"What position is it in soccer where my kid tries to find a four leaf clover?"
"I’m roasting garlic in the oven. My 13 year old thinks it smells like weed. I can relax now, confident that my youngest child has never smoked weed."
"Do you think bread crusts are sad that kids hate them?"
"Our cousin lives in Jupiter, Florida so you can imagine my 8yo’s disappointment once we arrived."
"My 5 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today."
"My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds"
"Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has 'ruined his life's plans.'"