best parenting tweets
"I’m roasting garlic in the oven. My 13 year old thinks it smells like weed. I can relax now, confident that my youngest child has never smoked weed."
"Do you think bread crusts are sad that kids hate them?"
"Our cousin lives in Jupiter, Florida so you can imagine my 8yo’s disappointment once we arrived."
"My 5 year old son just asked me how I know his name... I'm not in the mood today."
"My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds"
"Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has 'ruined his life's plans.'"
"My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."
"Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently."
"My wife and I didn’t renew our vows but we did solve our third grader’s math problem together."
"I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said 'Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim.'"