best parenting tweets

"Shout out to the mom who signed up for paper plates within seconds of the class holiday party list going live"
"I think my kids got 'Christmas list' and 'prayer requests' mixed up."
"A kids version of the 'Saw' movie but they can only escape by eating a sandwich with the crusts on."
"My kid is asking me questions like 'what is ethics,' and I just want to rewind to the 'do mermaids know what pants are' stage because it was easier."
"Why do I bother sterilising milk bottles when my kid just licked the floor of Tesco."
"My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke"
"Ever put your kid to bed and realize an hour later you’re still watching SpongeBob?"
"Highly recommend teaching your 3-4 year olds about air quotes so you can have hilarious memories about them misusing air quotes."
"The teacher asked what his favourite season was and he said, 'garlic salt.'”
"As a parent I just feel like a big fat liar: Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Mummy and Daddy were just wrestling, etc."