best parenting tweets

"My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds"
"Please keep my 10 yo in your thoughts and prayers this morning. He has to take a shower and it has 'ruined his life's plans.'"
"My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night."
"Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently."
"My wife and I didn’t renew our vows but we did solve our third grader’s math problem together."
"I asked my 14yo what an expression she used meant, and she started to tell me but then stopped and exasperatedly said 'Ugh, this is like explaining the world to a Pilgrim.'"
"One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase"
"I’ve never committed a crime but I have changed my niece’s diaper in the public washroom while she screamed 'YOU’RE NOT MY MOM'"
"Reached into a pocket of my diaper bag only to find a handful of cat food. When asked about this, my 5 year old said, 'in case we see some cats'"
"Only 273 little last minute tasks to get done and we will finally be ready to relax for the holidays."