best parenting tweets

"It's time to play 'Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?'"
"Felt like wallowing in self pity today so I googled the net worth of my kid’s favorite YouTuber."
"The thirteen year old got a kazoo. Thoughts and prayers please."
"My kid just saw me take some fries from my husband's plate. Time to find out if he's ride or die."
"My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide."
"I tell my toddler to 'ask nicely' and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I'm not even sure that he's wrong."
"She was rare, like an item of kid's clothing in the hamper that's not inside out.’"
"I’m just a mum, standing in the shower, praying her toddler doesn’t find her."
"Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother."
"I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it."