Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents and @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) August 23, 2022
My daughter told me I’m the strictest parent she knows (because she has a 10pm bedtime on a school day and isn’t allowed her phone overnight - she’s 14) - and I feel like I’m winning at life and taking it as a compliment 😊😊
— Jo (@MissJLomax) August 20, 2022
My 4 year old is mad that the hands on our clock keep moving so I guess this is the age that existential dread kicks in
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) August 25, 2022
“But chickens don’t have fingers,” my kid, ruining dinner.
— OyVeyLady (@OyVeyLady) August 25, 2022
Kids under 3 get in free to Disneyland which means you’re only charged admission to the park if your brain is capable of forming long term memories. By that token Disneyland should also be free if you’re blackout drunk
— Erin Box 13A Ryan (@morninggloria) August 20, 2022
all day my six year old told people we attended a “bathtism” this weekend and i find no reason to correct her whatsoever
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) August 23, 2022
Me: You wanna watch the baseball game with me?
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) August 25, 2022
Teen daughter: No. I don’t like baseball.
Me: I didn’t like Little Mermaid, but I watched it 1,387 times. Now, go get your hat and jersey on.
How to know if your child is going to need a snack:
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) August 24, 2022
Are they awake?
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 22, 2022
I said, "So you basically want chocolate milk." His look said, "Don't even think about it."
the teacher asked my kindergartner what his favorite season was and he said “garlic salt”
— 🦂Stay at Home Meh 🌵 (@caseyjparker) August 26, 2022
You learn a lot about your family when you spend 12 hours in a car together. For example, I learned my family shouldn’t spend 12 hours in a car together.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 23, 2022
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) August 26, 2022
My daughter dresses EXACTLY how teenaged me dressed in the Nineties but I’m not gonna tell her.
— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) August 26, 2022
If my kids ask, spiders only live in bedrooms kids don’t clean.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) August 21, 2022
please keep me in your thoughts as I attempt to learn the proper names of all construction vehicles for my 2yo son
— Science Mom 🔬 (@EmSlyce) August 25, 2022
my wife is still mad that I said "teamwork makes the dream work" after the doctor congratulated us on the birth of our child
— 🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️ (@raoulvilla) August 25, 2022
Took the day off so I’d have enough time to fill out all the back to school forms
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) August 24, 2022
My son came home from camp soaking wet because he couldn’t find his towel. In his backpack.
— kidversations (@kidversations_) August 23, 2022
‘You birthed a human’ I mutter under my breath as I wrestle to get the sleeping bag back into the sleeping bag bag
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) August 21, 2022
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
— Tori (@ToriTheMom) August 23, 2022
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) August 23, 2022
“OH BOY MOM YOUR EYES LOOK REALLY TIRED” and other lines from my 6 year old’s upcoming motivational conference
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 24, 2022
some days i think i'm handling parenthood well and other days i open my computer and see the thing i googled after having one too many glasses of wine the night before was "best cage for baby"
— Erin Box 13A Ryan (@morninggloria) August 26, 2022
If you’re tired of being the first person to any party you should consider having kids
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 23, 2022
Whomever said “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” never met a toddler who wants to do it themself
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) August 25, 2022
My teenagers use so much slang I have no idea what they're even saying anymore. I just hold my hand out for a fist bump and hope for the best.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) August 17, 2022