Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
5yo; “Mommy, I think when I grow up, I might change my name to a grownup name because my name is a little kid’s name. Maybe I’ll use my middle name. My name is such a baby name! I want a grown up name when I’m a grown up.”
— Stephanie Insley Hershinow (@S_Insley_H) May 3, 2023
Reader, his name is HARVEY.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 1, 2023
There's an Instagram mom influencer whose whole thing is her daughter goes to bed late. Like 12am. She is a late-bedtime toddler influencer. Then in the comments, people yell at her that she needs to put her toddler to bed earlier. This is the entire account.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 1, 2023
Open floor plans are all cute until you need baby gates😮💨
— brittany packnett cunningham. (@MsPackyetti) May 4, 2023
It’d be a lot easier to follow my 2nd grader’s school gossip if the kids’ names weren’t Maddy, the other Maddy, and Maddi with an i.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 3, 2023
When my kid won’t release me from watching him play video games pic.twitter.com/vwSELe5ZIE
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 29, 2023
I try to support my 6yo when he’s frustrated. I listen to him and validate his feelings so he knows that it’s okay to be frustrated and the feeling will pass. I can tell what I’m saying is really starting to resonate with him when he says “booooorrriiiinnnggggg” and walks off.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) May 2, 2023
Highly recommend teaching your 3-4 year olds about air quotes so you can have hilarious memories about them misusing airquotes
— kindminds_smarthearts (@kindminds_) May 1, 2023
Me: Please throw your trash away.
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) May 5, 2023
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
I gave my 10 yo $20 for his trip he's been on since Wednesday and he came home with $40. Maybe he should be my financial advisor.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) May 2, 2023
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) May 3, 2023
My kid just let me know the rock storage area in my car cannot be used for sticks. Sticks need their own space.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 3, 2023
I hope one day my child can forgive me for putting syrup on her waffle when she wanted to pour it herself.
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) May 4, 2023
I was skeptical at first but parenting podcasts really do help, I fell asleep almost immediately
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) May 5, 2023
My kid put herself in time out because she didn’t want to go to bed, this is the kind of real life problem I need the parenting manuals to cover
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) May 1, 2023
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 3, 2023
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
when my kid says he’s ready to go to the playground pic.twitter.com/UkzQXHY30E
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 2, 2023
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) May 1, 2023
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 2, 2023
So last night my 2yo called me into his room. As I was laying next to him he slowly pointed his finger to the ceiling and whispered "right there" then reached over and grabbed my hand like he was terrified.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) May 1, 2023
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) May 3, 2023
She’s not awake yet.
the good news is we found my daughters missing library book from two weeks ago
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 1, 2023
the bad news is she lost the one from last week
when my son was 4, we took my pug for a walk. as i was cleaning up his poop, this guy comes out and says, “hey i don’t want ur dog pooping in front of my house” & my son immediately responds “ok then can he come in and use your bathroom?” and tbqh, i’ve never been so proud.
— kim (@KimmyMonte) May 4, 2023
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 4, 2023
Just showed my toddler how to make purple Gatorade by mixing red and blue and he goes “that’s not real purple, though, it’s just mixed up red and blue” so good luck to his Kindergarten teachers.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) May 2, 2023