tweets of the week

"it happened to me: i finally answered an email i had been putting off & the person responded right away & now i'm back to square one"
"'The Bear' but for that one soft serve ice cream shop in a small town that stays open past 9pm in the summers."
"I wish they sold off-brand cars I'll get me a damn Honder"
"overheard a girl step outside where it’s a little chilly and say 'it’s giving jacket'"
"Highly recommend teaching your 3-4 year olds about air quotes so you can have hilarious memories about them misusing air quotes."
“'So do you have any hobbies' yeah lately i’ve been really into worrying"
"The fitness trainer asked me, 'What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?' I said, 'Diddly.'"
"My fashion decisions have gone from 'Is it cute?' to “Is it comfy?” to 'Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?'”
"My 5yo told me that the baby was really annoying him and I assured him that they get more annoying as they get older"