The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their hilarious musings.
Scroll through this week’s great tweets from women, and then visit our “Funniest Tweets From Women” page for past roundups.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
— glennis ❤️🔥 (@theglennisshow) July 4, 2023
Was on a date with a guy and we kissed and his watch started beeped really loud and we looked down and it said “abnormal heart rate detected” lol
— fiona (@fionerss) July 6, 2023
going on vacay with a 24yo friend is wild. girl packed al she needed in one big tote. did not eat breakfast. guzzled cocktails at the hotel then got a full night of sleep and got up at 6am to go to the gym and write. i had one marg and forgot to stretch and thus need hospital
— delia (@delia_cai) July 3, 2023
Instagram used to literally be like hello your boyfriend liked 69slutangelbaby photo and 20 others
— sav (@motherpilled) July 6, 2023
I understand her pic.twitter.com/gL0zqIT63f
— tess 🦢 (@finalgrlcomplex) July 6, 2023
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
— Mommeh Thee Dearest (@mommeh_dearest) July 5, 2023
"The Bear" but for that one soft serve ice cream shop in a small town that stays open past 9pm in the summers.
— Rohita Kadambi (@RohitaKadambi) July 1, 2023
certified freak? seven days a week? babygirl you need a union
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) July 6, 2023
Me and the girls trying to find gossip material when nothing’s going on https://t.co/6WCT6IjjPp
— youngest known hag (@glamdemon2004) July 5, 2023
apple pay isn’t real money it’s literally me using my face card
— mother earth🧃 (@nonbinarybooty) July 3, 2023
when you’re extremely behind on your creative work, the first step is to answer every email you’ve neglected for the past six months. hope this helps!!!!!
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) July 6, 2023
me and the little amish girl I found at the farmers market after I take her to sephora pic.twitter.com/Rji7241pAq
— Girl with no problems (@hotpriestt) July 3, 2023
A fun quirk of having gone to drama school in NYC in the late 90s-early 00’s is getting to see every single one of your male acting teachers do something disgusting to Miranda in a B-plot of SATC
— Rachel Shukert (@RachelShukert) July 5, 2023
Nobody:
— solé (@layxsnv) July 4, 2023
Somebody uncle later today: pic.twitter.com/BkpDw7Rs01
Stedman needs to do a workshop on how to be a respectable and quiet boyfriendson
— Principal Ava’s DoppleGanger (@LenValyrian) July 5, 2023
These dependents are out of pocket.
[writing cover letter] as a little girl it was always my Dream that some day i would file expense reports
— lesbian mothman (@verysmallriver) July 6, 2023
the little drink you get while running errands should be free. compensation for witnessing the horrors
— kat (@g0thgoblin) July 4, 2023
I need to know what she did in those 12 days asap https://t.co/Yo7rSumBjd
— Ra’ifah (@thatotherrai) July 3, 2023
Fondly remembering the time two of my transphobic colleagues wouldn’t eat my baking so I made progressively more delicious and elaborate cakes and watched them die inside from their own bigotry
— Caitlin Spice (@catespice) July 7, 2023
last night when i ordered a double gin and tonic and the bartender flipped the screen around and it said $36.42 pic.twitter.com/yiIsvJIRYx
— Grace (@gracecamille_) July 1, 2023
Vet: She’s a pretty cat.
— Heather Hogan (@theheatherhogan) July 5, 2023
Me: Do you mean she’s the most beautiful girl in this whole wide world, the prettiest, sweetest, orangest, most beautiful girl?
Vet: Medically speaking, yes.
just learned about the hemline index which states the trends of skirt lengths correlate with the economy, with longer being worse and shorter being better. So in an effort to boost the economy I am going to dress sluttier
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) July 3, 2023
summer hits and everyone in ny starts dressing like robin williams in the birdcage pic.twitter.com/fmLiIx6wfW
— angeline rodriguez (@gelrdrgz) July 5, 2023
having people in your life with real jobs is so humiliating. just called my brother and he immediately picked up like “hey is everything okay?” and I said “yeah I just wanted to chat :)” and he said “oh okay well. it’s the middle of the workday” my bad
— Gabrielle Drolet (@gabrielledrolet) July 6, 2023
https://t.co/iW0782QyYa pic.twitter.com/S3FlHzp6Gs
— monica (@waystarroyhoe) July 6, 2023
film FELL OFF when they stopped making movies where teachers sit on chairs backwards
— sarah hagi (@KindaHagi) July 6, 2023
The copywriter who writes Reformation's emails is so unhinged I never know what i'm going to get pic.twitter.com/tQaPPFzbDA
— Erika Lee ✍🏼 (@erikaleetv) July 5, 2023
john mulaney getting routinely cancelled for being a present and active father is so so funny
— ethel KENiac (@evemmore) July 5, 2023
thinking about the comically long statement necklaces of the 2010s and how it was usually an owl pic.twitter.com/dwlvnhbemn
— empress sissi (@historicalfits) July 2, 2023
you cannot call him sleepy joe AND be mad he has cocaine. do you want him up or not
— Jessica (Ka) Burbank (@JessicaLBurbank) July 6, 2023
i've also invented a twitter competitor. it's called "my phone number" and if I like you i'll text you every dumb thought that goes through my head
— Tisya Mavuram (@tmavuram) July 6, 2023