"(Seconds before getting raptured) okay so phone, keys, wallet"
"It takes 16 muscles to turn over and fall back asleep. Follow me for more fitness tips."
"I hate how I am a 'I have an appointment at 4pm so I can't do anything all day' type of person"
"Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France"
"hey sorry for being so anxious earlier i had no idea everything would be fine"
"It's amazing how much I accomplish around the house under the threat of someone coming over"
"I suck so bad at sexting I'm like 'that can be arranged'"
"I’m forever loyal to that password I chose at age 12"
"i don’t need a weighted blanket i need to be baked into a pie"
"I love in cult documentaries when you can tell the former members are still kinda into it"