hpw tweets
“'you already told that story' oh so you hate recycling"
"a candle is just a pet fire"
"need to eat a cosmic brownie rn i want to feel like i’m eating radioactive plastic"
"Life with astigmatism is more romantic because every light is a twinkle light."
"I hate to say it, but ever since Blake Shelton was named sexiest man alive things have been in shambles."
"bar trivia is great if you want to socialize while also actively taking a test"
"it happened to me: i finally answered an email i had been putting off & the person responded right away & now i'm back to square one"
"Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realising I was unprepared should one be in there."
"some of you are not Kenough. some of you are broKen"
"'The Bear' but for that one soft serve ice cream shop in a small town that stays open past 9pm in the summers."