The women of Twitter never fail to brighten our day with their brilliant and succinct wit. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up their musings.
Scroll through this week’s tweets from women below, then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for past roundups.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
— danielle weisberg (@danielleweisber) November 7, 2022
Fine I’ll admit it. I still don’t know if I’m supposed to use hot air or cold air when trying to defrost the front windshield
— ryleigh denise (@ryleighdenise) November 7, 2022
I think most restaurants call these ‘sauces’ pic.twitter.com/b0wlGYG3LS
— Dr. Julia Skinner (new book: Our Fermented Lives!) (@BookishJulia) November 9, 2022
Oh you don’t want to pay $8 for verification? Well I didn’t want to pay $44,000,000,000 for this fucking website but here we are
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) November 7, 2022
Me, in line to vote, eyeing the other white women: pic.twitter.com/GX47QMGAke
— Mallory Langston (@primnimproper_) November 8, 2022
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 10, 2022
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
— Amiyah Scott (@KingAmiyahScott) November 8, 2022
“it’s actually not called the windy city because of the the weather it’s the politicians” i say as a small gust of wind carries me six blocks down clark
— rain (@rainnney) November 5, 2022
Just watched an ep of Clifford where Clifford has rash and has to go to the vet for FIRST TIME. This means not only did the family have a dog grow to an unexplainable massive size and never investigate it medically, Clifford is a 20ft dog running around without a rabies shot.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 10, 2022
Welcome to adulthood.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) November 11, 2022
You have a favorite burner on the stove now.
Congrats on your “I Voted” sticker, I bet the sea turtles love them, I had my polling place brand me with hot iron because I actually care about the environment
— Ashtyn Butuso (@lil_buts) November 8, 2022
on Halloween, someone reported this house in Baltimore to the Health Department for illegally running a restaurant out of a residence 😭 pic.twitter.com/RABGmzm2ze
— emily sullivan (@emilyasullivan) November 7, 2022
I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Angelfire, Tripod, Friendster. I watched the robust servers of Journalfen fall in the dark. All these sites will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
— miss bricktop fanclub president (@anachronistique) November 4, 2022
me leaving for work at 8:15, hoping to get there by 8:00 pic.twitter.com/3qeEBegEbF
— ivy ♡ (@ivyluvx) November 8, 2022
i’m so jealous of armadillos. like, that’s exactly what i wanna be able to do with my body when i get sad
— Sydney Battle (@SydneyBattle) November 5, 2022
the first person to invent deodorant was FED UP omg
— SALINA (@REDSEASHAWTY) November 8, 2022
instead of a sticker you should get a hot dog when you vote. this is supposed to be america
— Emma Berquist (@eeberquist) November 8, 2022
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) November 10, 2022
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) November 8, 2022
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
HIS love language is Physical Touch… MY love language is Pig Latin..:
— broti gupta (parody) (@BrotiGupta) November 6, 2022
I have a distinct memory of running for student council in 2nd grade & this other little girl was also running & she asked me who I voted for and I said, "I voted for myself" & she said, "Oh, I voted for you too!" And I thought to myself, Jenny ain't gonna make it in politics.
— Emily Favreau (@emilyfavreau) November 9, 2022
It’s 11:00, formerly known as 12:00, and I’m going to have one lunch now and one later to honor the time that is and the time that was.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) November 6, 2022
I always think I don't like the airport, then the bartender puts three shots of vodka in my Bloody Mary and air travel is paradise. Did you know humans are all the same under the skin and our idea that we are at odds with each other is a mistake we can overcome? I know that now
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) November 10, 2022
If you hit "like" on any picture over 6 months old on any social media platform, you should get some kind of "are you sure" warning before it goes through.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ (@elle91) November 8, 2022
If you have a Twitter crush on me tell me before it’s too late
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) November 11, 2022
every explanation of mastodon makes me feel like I’m at a party and someone wants to play their elaborate card game everyone’s too drunk for
— Amy-Leigh Gemstone (lolennui@mas.to) (@lolennui) November 5, 2022
im gonna start a service where i, a 27 year old (wise) help 23 year olds (naive) figure out if their boyfriend is a loser or not before they waste their mid 20s w him
— dana bad (@baddanadanabad) November 5, 2022
quite beautiful to me that one of the most accomplished songwriters of a generation, someone capable of real poetry, also wrote the line “they took all the trees and put them in a tree museum”
— Brandy Jensen (@BrandyLJensen) November 7, 2022
I don’t trust anyone who says they hate small talk. Umm. Sorry there are a few hoops to jump through before you can tell me something really strange
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 7, 2022
practicing self-care by slipping into a giant pan of warm lasagna and pulling the top noodle up like a blanket
— Birdie Girl (@BirdiePanda) November 9, 2022