Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I asked 5 why she was still awake and she rolled her eyes and said “because my eyes are still open” and I think her transition to teen is complete
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) March 29, 2022
This is my son's (6 y.o.) perspective on my job pic.twitter.com/h1CpIFJo3m
— Ignacio Monzón (@ignaciomonzon) March 29, 2022
My husband went down the stairs first not knowing that our toddler wanted to go down the stairs first. Thoughts and prayers at this difficult time.
— Dr Áine Mahon (@AineMarieMahon) March 29, 2022
If you and your kids are sick at the same time, you still have to take care of them. I’m just finding this out
— josie duffy rice (@jduffyrice) March 30, 2022
Look dad, that star is glitching.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2022
We used to call that twinkling but ok.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
— Rachel Sobel (@whinecheezits) March 29, 2022
I just instructed my 4YO to “be reasonable” so make sure you’re following me for all the best parenting tips.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) March 31, 2022
You haven't seen Encanto? Have you been living under a rock? A rock where there are no children? And can I visit for a week or two?
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) March 31, 2022
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
— Lottie-pop 🍭 (@Lottie_Poppie) March 31, 2022
My 6-year-old asked, "why are they called speed bumps if they slow you down, they should be called slow bumps" & it's seriously amazing how someone with a 10-second attention span is so insightful
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) March 28, 2022
*giving my birthdate at the pharmacy
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 30, 2022
9: mom were you born in the 1900s?
me: don’t ever speak to me that way again
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 31, 2022
6YO: i need to tell you something *tells me something i already know*
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 30, 2022
ME: yeah i know
6YO: but i need to tell you 100 more times
I'm teaching my kids to read to help them succeed in school. I'm teaching my kids to read because it's quality time spent together. But most of all I'm teaching my kids to read so they won't ask "What does XJ49PB2 spell?" every time we pass another car on the road.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) March 31, 2022
My 7-year-old ran into the wall and then told me that he’s knocking down all walls that stand in his way. What kind of inspirational bullshit has he been listening to?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 29, 2022
"but who wiped God's butt?"
— Xennaissance Dad (@XennDad) March 27, 2022
- my son, on a theologian's quest
Parenting tip: For a teething infant, call grandma and tell her to pick up the kid. She wanted grandchildren, right?
— My Life As Dad (@milifeasdad) March 29, 2022
It's time to play "Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?"
— The Dad (@thedad) March 29, 2022
I have a teenager, a preteen, and a kindergartner.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) March 31, 2022
So no, you do not want me for your planning committee.
Emptying my pockets before laundry: some tissues, a receipt, huh, thought my lip balm was in there.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) March 27, 2022
Emptying my kids' pockets: rocks, string, broken crayon, rocks, crushed crackers, rocks, hey! my lip balm twisted all the way with no cap, rocks.
Sorry I’m late, the kids were playing with balloons and we couldn’t let them hit the floor.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 30, 2022
Nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that wall of boogers behind every kid’s bed
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 30, 2022