Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 11, 2023
13-year-old: Why did you order pizza tonight?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 14, 2023
Me: I didn't feel like cooking.
13: I love it when you give up.
Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of the school spelling bee because “if you lose you get a piece of candy, but if you win you just get a boring medal”
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) June 14, 2023
We let my 5-year-old try a root beer, and after he took a big gulp, he yelled, “Oh my gosh, I can feel myself turning into a man!”
— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 12, 2023
me: a dozen is 12, but a baker’s dozen is 13.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) June 13, 2023
my 8yo: that makes sense because there’s a kid at my school named Baker who’s bad at counting.
Everytime a child makes a dad joke, a Home Depot stud finder beeps
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 12, 2023
I know, I’ll just let my kid watch TV this morning and that way I’ll have time to get some work done! annnnd nope I’ve spent 27 minutes trying to find the episode of Peppa Pig where George won’t eat his carrots.
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) June 15, 2023
While naming your child, keep in mind that you will need to fill out roughly 1 million forms for them over the course of their childhood so it’s best to pick something short
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) June 14, 2023
[every school morning]
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 12, 2023
Me: Get up.
Child:
Me: Get up.
Child: mmfff
Me: Get. Up.
Child: I don’t wanna
Me: GET OUT OF BED
[5:30 AM, first day of summer vacation]
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Child [clothed and eating breakfast]: wut
thoughts and prayers for 8 this morning who had to fold 3 whole towels and then carry them up the stairs to the bathroom to put away. he's very distraught and we're unsure if he will recover from this event.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 12, 2023
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 10, 2023
Ever put your kid to bed and realize an hour later you’re still watching SpongeBob?
— @itssherifield (@itssherifield) June 13, 2023
This little boy got in my car with the kids and I assumed it was one of their friends. I asked his name and introduced myself. He gets out of the car and my kids say “I don’t know that boy. I guess he just wanted a ride”. 💀💀💀
— Princess (@themultiplemom) June 14, 2023
I brought my son home from kindergarten and he asked “is it the weekend yet?” Nope. It’s Monday. You’ll get used to this feeling kiddo.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 12, 2023
Sometimes having a toddler is difficult and sometimes as you’re pushing his stroller past a cluster of startled pigeons he casually says, “Don’t worry, birds, we’re not really giants.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) June 11, 2023
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 12, 2023
Me, wearing a slightly dressy top and real pants as I get ready to go out to dinner with friends.
— Mediocre Mom (@MediocreMamaa) June 15, 2023
5yo (suspiciously): “Why do you look like that?”
A big part of being a parent is hearing a sound in the next room and knowing how quickly it needs to be investigated
— Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) June 14, 2023
When my 3 yo cries, it upsets my 1 yo and he starts crying too. Then my 3 yo gets more upset and screams “It’s my turn to cry!” but actually if we’re taking turns, I think I’m up?
— The Mom Hack (@TheMomHack) June 13, 2023
My kid drew a duck riding a spaceship. pic.twitter.com/swFRLyReSV
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) June 12, 2023
My 6yo loudly announced that her "botch" was itchy, and when we inquired as to what a botch was, she said, "Between your butt and your crotch...your BOTCH"
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) June 10, 2023
If being a writer doesn’t pan out, I can always fall back on the necklace unknotting skills I’ve developed as a girl mom.
— krista pacion (@kristabellerina) June 15, 2023
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) June 11, 2023
My 7yo asked me to change her doll’s diaper so I told her she should change it herself since she’s the mom and she goes, “ugh I’m not the mom and this isn’t even a real baby, mom”
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) June 11, 2023
Me: This wine won’t be good by the time we get back, so you have to finish it
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) June 14, 2023
Wife: No
13yo: Mom, stop WHINING about it
Me: *trips over ottoman running to high five him*
"i just need a day of rest today"
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 15, 2023
-my 8 yo on his 2,920th day of doing jackshit
My daughter took the Guinness Book of World Records out of the library so keep me in your thoughts as I’m bombarded with facts about the world’s largest hailstone and state with the most horseshoe crabs
— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 14, 2023