Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Tried to throw a slightly neglected baby doll into the toy basket and my three year old shrieked “THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!!” Had no idea
— Melanie Lynskey (@melanielynskey) April 6, 2022
Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. My 7-year-old son has recently learned about the planet Uranus.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) April 6, 2022
What’s the eeriest thing a child has ever said to you?
— Lilah Sturges (@LilahSturges) April 6, 2022
When my daughter was around 4-5, she calmly insisted that she had once been married to a man named Brad Huffington. When we asked what had happened to him she replied with a note of sadness, “He was lost at sea.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book pic.twitter.com/mFyMTr0e6t
— Patricia Ann Cameron (@COBlackpacker) April 5, 2022
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his 'pound machine'. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
— 🍁Yukon Gold (@GrahamKritzer) April 4, 2022
Crisis averted, for now.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) April 3, 2022
Me: I don't think it's an act.
Caught my kids playing rock, paper, scissors WITH ACTUAL SCISSORS
— Adam Gaylord 🌻🐛🍻 (@AuthorGaylord) April 5, 2022
Thinking about the time my 3yo forgot the name for chicken nuggets and called them “orange meat cookies”
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) April 4, 2022
something they don’t warn you about parenting is you will watch Frozen 8,000 times and want to die and then one day when your kid is asleep you won’t know what to watch and suddenly a tiny part of you will be like hmm you know what would really hit the spot? FROZEN
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 6, 2022
My kid kept asking if he could try the chicken milk pic.twitter.com/AtRl9kRKG0
— meghan (@deloisivete) April 3, 2022
Me: Why aren’t you ready? We’re late!
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) April 3, 2022
10: Did you know the amount of people older than you never increases?
10 wanted to make dinner and mixed random ingredients like eggs, flour, crackers, dried pasta and ketchup, then baked it until it was burnt and my twins said it was the nicest dinner they’d ever tasted so I resigned and now I live on a faraway island
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) April 6, 2022
Freaked out so many parents by asking this in a wrong school chat pic.twitter.com/CxODYmIYzr
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) April 5, 2022
As a parent I just feel like a big fat liar: Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, Mommy and Daddy were just wrestling, etc.
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) April 5, 2022
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
— Bre (@fullofmonsense) April 3, 2022
Us: Takes 5yr old to Disney
— MommyCocktail (@MommyCocktail) April 2, 2022
5yr old: Is there Target here?
Parenting is begging for a night away from the kids then talking about them the whole time like a couple of Stockholmies
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) April 5, 2022
5: mom can i fart on you?
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 7, 2022
HAVE KIDS THEY SAID
When my family wants me to turn the music down and I have to let them know that I’m cleaning and I absolutely will not pic.twitter.com/Epxd4ONDJy
— yelisa (@beingyelisa) April 2, 2022
The other night I told 5 if he left his room one more time instead of going to sleep that I was taking one of his stuffed animals.
— Tired Dad of 2 (@Tired_Dad_of_2) April 4, 2022
He left his room again.
When I went in his room, he had an assortment of animals laid out and told me I “could choose one of these”.
🤬
Pretending I'm still asleep so my husband has to make the kids' breakfast is my favorite weekend tradition
— Bo♥️Beenie (@MrsGaGaG) April 3, 2022
I’m trying to be grateful for one thing each day. Today I’m grateful that my kids are old enough to make their own dinner after they tell me they hate my cooking.
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) April 4, 2022
Everything will be going fine and then your kid asks you if people can get pregnant in heaven.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) April 6, 2022
Everyday I pick my kid up from school he announces “I didn’t bite anybody!” and you know what? I’m pretty proud I didn’t bite anybody either
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) April 5, 2022