best parenting tweets

"One fun thing about kids is that when you tell them to wash their hands, you have to specify 'with soap.'"
"Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times."
"There’s nothing more condescending than a 4yo correcting you while they’re in the middle of making up a story."
"Well, the toddler throws the restaurant's food on the floor too, so at least I know it's not my cooking."
"'Sleep when the baby sleeps' is great advice if you can drive with your eyes closed."
"Why is it called bribing your child and not kid pro quo?"
"Parenting is complaining bitterly about someone leaving only crumbs in the near-empty Cheezit box, then eating the crumbs anyway."
"The first hour of getting your kids dressed for school is always the toughest."
"I can raise kids just fine, but keeping plants alive that only need to be watered once a month is apparently out of my reach."
"The first rule of parent club is you never tell anyone that you're going to the bathroom."