The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

My kid can't seem to remember how to put on her Velcro shoes but can remember 4 weeks ago that I promised her a candy and never paid up.

— Stay at Homies (@stayathomies) September 26, 2019

1st week of school: *lovingly packs kid’s lunch with a note*

2nd week of school: *packs kid’s favorite sandwich with a kiss on the cheek at drop off*

27th week of school: *hurls a Little Debbie cake at my kid’s head and screams “you too!” When I meant “I love you.”

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) September 26, 2019

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 21, 2019

If you like to hold up the carpool line by chatting it up with other parents who are walking their kids up to the school, just know everyone is plotting your death.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 24, 2019

“Mommy, why she dance?”

“Who, honey?”

“Dancy Pelosi.”

— Emily Ramshaw (@eramshaw) September 25, 2019

I’m thinking about redecorating. I just need to decide on a paint color that will accentuate this pile of kid shoes by the front door.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 24, 2019

*shouts kids' names for twenty minutes*

*none of them hear*

*quietly opens a two-liter bottle of Coke while hiding in a closet*

*four children instantly appear*

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 23, 2019

Is it "not fucking interested in the least" or "not fucking interested in the slightest?" I want to get this PTA application letter just right.

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) September 24, 2019

Dentist: So you brush, floss AND use fluoride rinse every day?
8: Yes.
Dentist: Great!
8: Mom told me she’d buy me a Coke Slurpee after my appointment if I said that.
*me: already trying to climb out window

— Ms. Havisham (@MissHavisham) September 24, 2019

An exercise video for parents where all the lunges are just you going around the house picking up juice box straw wrappers.

— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) September 24, 2019

Me to child in the toy aisle:

“you do not have to touch EVERY single toy in this store. STOP TOUCHING EVERYTHING.”

Also me, in Homegoods:

*touches every blanket and pillow in the blanket and pillow aisles*

— Amanda Marcotte | Mediocre Mommy (@storiesofamom) September 26, 2019

7yo: I want to be a mom some day.

Me: Have you seen the shit I put up with?

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) September 25, 2019

I can’t tell if this is my kid’s class roster or a list of the Instagram filters

— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) September 23, 2019

[Halloween shopping for kids]

Wife: So how about a monkey costume for our youngest?

Me: I don't know. I think he's more...

[Youngest flings poop on to my face]

Me: ...it's perfect.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) September 23, 2019

Cool how we spend so much money on our kids’ youth sports and then are figgin giddy when their games are cancelled.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 24, 2019

[Apocalypse, as an army of the undead trudges slowly toward us while we cower helplessly in the face of impending death]

My 6yo: Which zombie is your favorite?

— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 23, 2019

No one:

Toddlers mad because you didn’t put their socks on a specific way: pic.twitter.com/TG01fFQcsm

— Hot Girl May Parker (@Steph_I_Will) September 27, 2019

Told my 4-year-old to hop into the tub and she condescendingly replied “well, not literally hop” if anybody is looking for a copy editor.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) September 27, 2019

one of the softball moms is making a playlist of walkup songs for when the girls bat and my daughter chose the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” theme for hers in case you’re wondering how dominant my genes are

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) September 25, 2019

10 asked me what marriage is like so I sat down to watch tv with him and fell asleep.

— The Personification of Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) September 27, 2019