tweet
"Rule #27 of marriage is clear: Dessert that is mine is only mine; dessert that is his is also mine."
"Please explain to me preteen boys and their fear of outerwear."
"My 14yo asked me to get her ice cream 'as a reward for existing,' and honestly? Valid."
"My mother-in-law’s kid is the worst one in my house to deal with."
"When we pack for a trip my wife basically moves out."
"My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended"
"The smug way my wife walks into the kitchen, casually opens a drawer, and pulls out the exact item she needs on the first try."
"My wife said we need to 'evaluate the garage' so there goes my weekend."
"My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home."
"I was an only child to two hard working immigrant parents so, I called selfies 'pho-tos'"