tweet

"A rigged election, fight on!" the furious president called out to his supporters.
"A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a 'let’s circle back' guy — who knew?"
"I always keep my cool when using self-checkout machines because I want them to vouch for me as an ally during the robot uprising."
"I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now."
"Being the only butt wiper you child deems acceptable is both an honour and a curse."
"There is no way to place my wife’s coffee order at Starbucks without feeling like I need to apologise afterwards."
"I’m just a mum, standing in the shower, praying her toddler doesn’t find her."
"Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother."
"Going over to my best friend's house for dinner and asked if I could bring anything and she said 'yeah dinner.'"
"I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it."