Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy. This week: just dads.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Family vacations are just day after day of your kid begging to go back to the hotel so they can swim in the pool.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 13, 2019
Welcome to parenthood. Yes, it's possible to have the worst day of your life before 6:00 AM.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) June 13, 2019
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) June 12, 2019
Me: Wake up.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2019
7-year-old: Pass.
I didn't know that was an option.
Karen: “Since having children, my house is always full of love and laughter..”
— Steve (@papa_can_preach) June 10, 2019
Me: “Since having children we no longer put the wine glasses away as they are so frequently in use..”
Laughing at a child’s joke is a great way to hear that exact same joke 8,000 more times.
— The Dad (@thedad) June 13, 2019
Toddlers indoors:
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 10, 2019
Bounce off walls with relentless, destructive force.
Toddlers at playground:
Sit motionless on the swings screaming “HIGHER!!!” until both your arms, and will to live, are broken.
My 4yo remembers in explicit detail when she was barely 2 and threw up broccoli on me but has to be reminded to say “please” every single time she asks for something.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 13, 2019
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but it’s always me asking the questions and every question is “CAN YOU PLEASE FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN YOU’RE DONE?”
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) June 11, 2019
I've been microwaving the same cup of coffee since the day my oldest child was born.
— Nathan Gregory (@MrGirlDad) June 8, 2019
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) June 10, 2019
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
I’ve gained 30lbs since the kids. I’d like to get back down to my fighting weight so that I can fight the kids.
— The Dadvocate (@thedadvocate01) June 12, 2019
A story in two acts pic.twitter.com/RCoGxzxpWx
— Dad (@fivefifths) June 8, 2019
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 11, 2019
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Annoying parenting fact #4,377:
— Daddy’s Digest (@daddysdigest) June 13, 2019
When a toddler goes to sleep at a normal hour it’s possible they’ll wake up early, but a toddler that goes to sleep at a late hour is guaranteed to wake up early.
*store furniture department exists*
— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) June 9, 2019
Kids: pic.twitter.com/DD9VASDrZw
It doesn't matter how long ago they last used glitter. One of your children will always have a single shard, glinting on their face.
— Stewie (Daddy Rambles) (@stewteee) June 12, 2019