Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So, each week we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from mums and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 5, 2020
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 3, 2020
7-year-old: I'm done with homework.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 4, 2020
Me: You did it?
7: That's not what I said.
3 year old threw herself across her dad’s lap. Her face was covered in peanut butter and she kept yelling “I WANNA COLOR.” Then she cried. Then she wanted a hug. Then she took off her shirt and yelled about how hot it was.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 5, 2020
Who needs drunken nights out when you’ve got toddlers?
My son this morning at breakfast said, "I tried to be funny, but it turned into a disaster," thus proving he is ready to join Twitter.
— Chuck Wendig (@ChuckWendig) February 5, 2020
Pre-teen boys spend approximately 40% of their day jumping up to touch ceilings or the tops of door frames.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 3, 2020
5yo: Daddy what are stars made of?
— Kwame Mbalia (@KSekouM) February 5, 2020
Me: Gas.
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ...........wait
5yo: WE TOOT STARS!!!
It doesn’t matter how much authority you exert over small children when they can simply walk to the bathroom, poop, and then summon you in to wipe their butts. Imagine having that kind of power.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 5, 2020
[after bath time]
— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 4, 2020
Me: get your booty off my pillow!
Toddler: *shaking her butt* can I put my booty on daddy's pillow?
Me, thinking of the time he ate my box of girl scout cookies: YES
So nice to be the first one awake and enjoy a quiet cup of never mind, they’re up and we are already watching Puppy Dog Pals.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 1, 2020
Me: goodnight son I love you.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 5, 2020
3yo: daddy?
Me: yes?
3yo: your breath stinks.
Me: sleep tight *unplugs nightlight*
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
— Just J (@junejuly12) February 4, 2020
Wife: Have you got everything for the 5yo's birthday party?
— The Dad (@thedad) February 5, 2020
Me *looks at Redbull, aspirin, valium and ear plugs* yes
My friend just asked when I won’t be busy with the kids so we could meet for lunch, so I gave her a 10 minute window on a Tuesday 5 years from now.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 4, 2020
Never did I think I would be a sucker for compliments. Until this morning when my toddler told me my bed head hair looked “beautiful, like noodles.”
— @thestinkerbell (@thestinkerbell_) February 4, 2020
6:02 PM-My kids do not like carrots.
— Garrett-will fix it (@DaddyWithTwins) February 5, 2020
6:06 PM-I am eating carrots.
6:06 PM-My kids love carrots so much they are screaming.
6:07 PM-I give in, give them my plate and they devour all of it.
6:13 PM-My wife gives them more on their plates.
6:13 PM-My kids do not like carrots.
Would someone please find that baby book I never kept up on? I finally have something to add to the First Time My Beloved Child Said “Salty Bitch” page.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) February 4, 2020
3: *asks for help w/ potty*
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 1, 2020
Me: *tries to help*
3: *demands privacy*
Me: *leaves*
3: *asks for help*
Me: *tries to help*
3: *demands privacy*
Me: *leaves*
3: *asks for help*
Me: *tries to help*
3: *demands privacy*
Me: *leaves*
3: *asks for help*
Me: *cries for help*
PRO TIP: never read your kids a book you dislike, because it will inevitably be their favorite
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) February 4, 2020
I read your parenting article and all I gotta say is Good luck, lady.
— Mary (@AnniemuMary) February 4, 2020
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) February 2, 2020
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
I finally slept for 8 hours.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 3, 2020
Not in a row.
That's a cumulative total taken over the past 3 years.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 1, 2020
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Shout-out to Lionel Richie:
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) February 2, 2020
Love your music but I have kids. NONE of the mornings are easy.
How much time passes from the minute I drop kids at school until I pick them up 7 hrs later:
— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) February 5, 2020
approx 37 min
How much time passes from the minute I pick them up from school until they finally fall asleep that night:
exactly 19 days, 22 hours, 49 minutes and 37 seconds
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