The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Welcome to parenthood.

Everything you own will now be sticky and broken.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 13, 2020

Me: According to labor laws I’m allowed an hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks

Store Manager: Ma’am you don’t work here and I’m not watching your kids for you

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 13, 2020

“Wow, that was A LOT better than I expected.” Is the wrong thing to say after your sons’ recital. I know this now.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 13, 2020

Motherhood: a life spent yelling from the bathroom.

— Ohio mom of two (@OhioMomoftwo) February 13, 2020

My 4yo threw a wrapper on the floor, and I told him to pick it up and put it where it belongs. He put it in my purse. He’s not right, but he’s also not wrong.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) February 11, 2020

80% of parenting is replying to your kids “wow, that’s cool” without even looking.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 9, 2020

5: Why’re you looking at me?

Me: *squints*

5: I didn’t do anything!

Me: *squints harder*

5: OK, I colored on the walls.

Me: *squints harderer*

5: FINE, I’ll go to my room! How did you know?

Me: *still blind as fuck and unsure of which kid I’m talking to* I have my ways.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) February 9, 2020

Welcome to parenting, your choices are:

A) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because YOU opened their fruit snack.

B) Listen to your toddler scream and cry for 10 minutes because THEY don't know how to open their fruit snack.

— Moderately Mom (@momtribevibe) February 12, 2020

Me: is everything ok today?
8: yeah, I'm just really emotional right now.
Me: I understand that. Is it friends? Or a class? Or anything you want to ask us?
8: no. It's just that this is the restaurant that doesn't have rice pudding. I just hate this place.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) February 13, 2020

Parenthood means never not having piles of stuff on your stairs.

— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 13, 2020

Child: I can't wait to be grownup.

Me [in my 3rd hour of paying bills]: yes it is magical

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 12, 2020

Me: What are you doing?

5-year-old: Playing with my pet.

Me: We don’t have a pet.

5-year-old: No YOU don’t have pet.

I’m suddenly very scared to go in her room.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 11, 2020

Today’s tantrum is brought to you by the fact that I dared to give my daughter Anna’s braids when she clearly wanted Elsa’s

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) February 13, 2020

4yo: fold me like a towel

Me: what?

4yo: FOLD ME

Me: okaaay

4yo: stack me on top of the towels

Me: what?

4yo: STACK ME

Parenthood is wild

— Marcy G 🍕 (@BunAndLeggings) February 12, 2020

My 3rd grader told his teacher he was gonna be out of town for a few days and I told her I don’t know what he’s talking about and he will be in school tomorrow😂

— Reagan Gomez (@ReaganGomez) February 12, 2020

7-year-old: How much cake can I have?

Me: One piece.

7: Can a whole cake be a piece?

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 9, 2020

A moment of silence for all the cutlery my children have accidentally thrown in the trash.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) February 11, 2020

Me: do that thing I like

Him: *takes kids to school so I can stay in my pjs for a few more hours*

— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) February 12, 2020

3yo: dad sing the pussy song.

Me: um...what?

3yo: SING. THE. PUSSY SONG.

Me: I don’t really know what that is, but you learning to talk is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) February 11, 2020

"luna you still holding the hamster?" "ummmm one sec let me check" ahhhhhkjdvjnsdjkvnsdlkfsdf

— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 13, 2020

I asked my son if he wanted a snack & he asked for 5 animal crackers & 6 un-broken pretzels. So I’m definitely raising a psychopath.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 13, 2020