The Rise Of The Keep-Me Girl, The Pick-Me Girl's Big Sister

Recognise any of these behaviours? We've got bad news for you...
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The internet has provided us with several labels and phrases to help us explain our behaviour and the way of the world. Some examples (which you’ll be well acquainted with by now) include hot girl summer, main character syndrome, lucky girl syndrome, feral girl summer – the list goes on. One that has become increasingly popular over the past few years is a ‘pick me girl.’

If someone has ever called you this, I’m sorry for you and everyone around you. It’s not a compliment, in fact, I would go as far as saying it’s an insult – but let me explain why.

When someone refers to a woman as being a pick me, they’re saying that she lives for the validation of men.

Her decisions are centred around men and optimising her chances of being picked by a man. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be desired or loved by a man, I’d even argue this is pretty normal.

However, the issue occurs when your life is focused on attracting and pleasing men.


Alright here’s the awaited “pick-me girl” video! This is just from my own experience :) #pickme #girl #relatable #tips

♬ original sound - Niki Patton

User @chloeamelix explains that pick me girls will say phrases like “I’m not like the other girls.” They want to amplify the fact that they’re different and aren’t like the ‘regular’ girls – they’re something special.

Did you ever have that one friend that changes her whole demeanour when she’s around a group of men? She’s probably a pick-me. She’s changing her whole personality around men to increase her chances of being liked and validated by the opposite sex.

In fancier terms, it’s interalised misogyny, it’s nothing new and something we’ve seen time and time again.

But it seems that pick-me has met it’s match with the rise of the keep-me girls.

Some women get into a relationship and completely lose themselves and let themselves go. Not keep-me girls. These girls don’t live for their validation of men, but they do want to make their number one man happy.

They want to be kept and will go out of their way to make sure their partner realises why they’ve met their match.

Examples of being a keep me:

  • Maintaining your appearance in a relationship
  • Going above and beyond to do nice things for your partner
  • Not changing your thoughts or opinions around men
  • Not changing your thoughts or opinions when you get a partner

Louise*, a 26-year old writer from London, says she doesn’t necessarily look bad whenever she’s not in a relationship but rather that she just puts more effort in when she’s in one.

She explains: “I’ll be more adventurous with my outfit choices, I’ll dye my hair more frequently, I’ll try out different make up looks. I think it helps that my boyfriend always compliments me on these things so that encourages me, and then I do the same for him, so it becomes a bit of a cycle.”

“When I’m not in a relationship, I just become a bit lazier and think, ‘why should I try to impress strangers?’,” she adds.

When she’s single she doesn’t see the appeal of dressing up for men: “Why should I wear something tight and uncomfy just to get their attention when they’re usually just wearing jeans a black top?”

She raises a very good point. Trying to impress men isn’t inherently bad, we all like to look nice for the person we’re dating but we shouldn’t change ourselves in the process. So, are you a pick-me or a keep-me?