Woman Discovers Perils Of Incomplete Dating Profiles When '97-Year-Old' Turns Up For Date

omg did i ever tweet about the time i went on a date with a 97 year old. its my favourite old man story

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i didn't KNOW he was OLD. he had one of those okcupid pictures of like, the side of his face looking toward a mountain. you know those ones

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

impossible to tell anything from those pictures except that the person possesses part of a face. not to be faceist but i need a whole face

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

but his profile was interesting. he had written dozens of paragraphs about all the places he'd been too. but not in a braggy way ya know

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

so i was like "okay cool this guy seems interesting let's meet"
he suggested dinner
at SIX PM

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i replied "i don't eat dinner that early. i'm brown"

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

(at this point you may be wondering what he had listed his age as.
he hadn't
I KNOW
but there were a lot of blank spaces in his profile)

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i say "let's just get coffee instead?"
he says okay
so i go to the cafe around six
it's snowing like a motherfucker outside

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i walk in and spend ten minutes unwinding my scarf/taking off the 45 layers of outside clothes you need in Boston in January
i look around

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

nobody! NOT A SOUL. just a pile of coats on a chair
i'm like 'okay cool this dude isn't punctual. that's something we have in common"

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i get a coffee and wait
5 minutes pass
10 minutes
then, TO MY EVERLASTING HORROR-THE PILE OF COATS MOVES

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

...reveals its face, and says in a voice like dry leaves rubbing together "hello are you priya?"
guys
GUYS.
guys

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

we are not talking old like your dad. we are not talking old like George Clooney. we are not talking old like "doesn't get memes" old

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

WE ARE TALKING OLD LIKE THEY'RE SO OLD THEY STARTED SHRINKING BACK INTO THEMSELVES OLD. LIKE THEY'RE GETTING SMALLER AGAIN. LIKE A JELLYFISH

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

IT IS HARD TO PLACE AN AGE ON HIM BUT MY CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE WOULD BE, 79
*remembers Donald Trump is 70*
NO, 89

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

he gestured for the attendant
turns out he wasn't drinking coffee
he was drinking chamomile tea
which, of course he was

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

"coffee keeps me up at night" OKAY MAN

anyway, he starts talking about travelling
i wanted to ask him what Vietnam was like in 1950

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

eventually i relax. i felt like you would if you were talking to your granddad by the fire
i ask him about his OKC profile

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

he gives me the most innocuous answer you can give anyone "i'm writing a book & i wanted to put something in about social media these days"

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i figured he was too old to understand that okcupid wasn't SOCIAL MEDIA it was a dating site. like to meet people for SEX
old ppl-mistake

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

NBD right? anyway it's now 7 o clock and dude is like "i had better get going"
i was all solicitous like "of course! be careful out there"

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

THEN
he lays a wizened hand on my arm
we both look at it
it feels really small and cold and dry
like a twig
or AN OLD MAN'S HAND ON MY ARM

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

he says "i live two blocks down and i dont really use my dick a lot but the women have told me they prefer my mouth"

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT. I BLACKED OUT. SOMETIMES THE HUMAN BODY DOES THAT, TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM TRAUMA

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

i mean i know i did SOMEthing - laughed in a high pitch? excused myself? PAID FOR THE TEA, EVEN?- but we will never know what it was

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

Some words came out of my mouth.I departed the coffee shop.
On the corner, a dog howled piteously. That made sense to me

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017

I went home, took a bath, and deleted my Okcupid account -FIN

— CAT GRANDMA (@priya_ebooks) May 10, 2017