When you’re single you become accustomed to hearing certain questions and phrases. “Are you seeing anyone at the moment?” Would I tell you if I were? “Have you tried using dating apps?” Ummmmmm. And my personal favourite: “It will happen when you’re not looking.”
If I had a pound for every-time I’d heard that particular ‘encouragement’, I’d be Elon Musk. It’s almost always meant kindly, but I can’t help noticing these words are usually offered by friends in long-term relationships who seem to have forgotten how difficult it can actually be to find a partner.
Yes, it may come from a place of sincerity, but once you’ve heard it over and over, it can get a bit frustrating. And I’m not the only one who thinks so
TikTok is absolutely awash with videos from women who are being told to expect love when they’re “not looking” or “least expect it”. Have a watch.
Of course, there’s nothing dangerously wrong with this advice – and perhaps there’s some truth in it. Being hyper-focused on relationships can put pressure on finding someone. You don’t want to be so obsessed with the idea of getting a partner that it takes over your life and you forgot the joy in other things.
But if I actively want to find a partner, surely the normal thing to do is to pursue that goal? If I want to get into a relationship, why should I act as if I don’t?
Mariam Adamson, 32, a business analyst from London, questions what people really mean when they tell her a relationship will happen when she’s “not looking”.
“The advice is patronising because the assumption is that I’m driving the very thing I want away, by taking proactive steps to find a partner. It’s almost like saying you’re doing too much wait for your man to find you,” Adamson says.
Nor does it take into account the current state of the dating scene – and it is a state! – or the rarity of having a ‘meet-cute’ in the course of your daily life.
“The culture of meeting someone whilst running errands or on your commute has long since passed,” she says. ″Events are usually the same circles and faces... and dating sites are full of posers who only appear to be looking for love, but really aren’t.”
Adamson says the dating economy is emotionally expensive and the “when you least expect it” trope feels reductive and dismissive of the cost involved in looking – or waiting – for a partner. For her, that cost is ”feeling constantly lonely, unworthy, impatient, expectant and disappointed,” she tells me.
“And then it feels often when I do make some form of connection with a man, getting to the place where there’s commitment feels 10 times harder. They often do not meet the levels of emotional maturity needed to be vulnerable and have little to no desire to fix it or change, despite being told how their behaviour affects women and their relationships with them,” Adamson says.
Vanessa*, 24, a researcher from Mozambique, echos Adamson on finding it patronising. “I feel (probably not the case) like I’m being judged or my friends assume I’m desperately looking for dates, which feels embarrassing,” she says.
“Not finding love or being able to date who you want has a funny way of making you feel like you’re the problem or that you’re expecting too much,” she says “Hearing ′It’ll happen when you’re not looking’ has a way of almost reinforcing that there’s something you’re doing wrong.”
Vanessa is actively dating and being honest with the people she meets about what she wants, which is a relationship.
“Some days I’m over dating, but I have this radical belief that I can’t shake that I’ll find exactly what I’m looking for some day, so I’m just carrying on,” she says.
Sarah*, a 25-year old data analyst from London, thinks that it’s ironic that we’re taught to go for what we want in other areas of our life (ie. work or friendships), yet we’re encouraged to be more passive in our quest for a relationship.
Currently single and, in her own words, not exactly putting herself out there, Sarah is relaxed about her relationship status. “I’m just living my life and hope I cross paths with the right person,” she says. “I do feel like like I’m in the right space to meet someone but I’m not going out of my way to meet guys.”
This being the case, when people tell her love will arrive when she least expects it, she finds it quite dismissive. “There’s no one size fits all when it comes to relationships. Some actively look and it happens. Some ‘least expect it’ and it does as well, Everyone just has to find what works for them,” she adds.
It’s not the only hackneyed phrase she hears. “Singleness is often seen as a ‘season’, so people will randomly mention a cliché like ‘your time is coming soon’,” she adds.
These words of advice are rarely directed to men. However, for women, Sarah notes, “irrespective of what you’re doing, being single is portrayed in a bad light. And if you’ve been single for a while, it’s like there’s something wrong with you.”
Hannah*, 25, calls herself the single friend in her friendship group. She’s been in two ‘situationships’ but is yet to be exclusive with someone.
“Since I’ve not been in a relationship yet, I’m never expecting it,” she says. “If you were to tell 15 year-old me that in 10 years time I still wouldn’t have had a boyfriend, I’d think that’s ridiculous.” Hannah says when she’s telling her friends in relationships about her dating woes she’s not looking for advice, she just wants to be listened to.
“If I actually wanted advice, I’d ask for it,” she tells me. “It’s quite patronising when people say it will happen when you least it expect, but I think it always comes from people who have had those experiences.”
When I talk to therapist and Counselling Directory member Claire Black, she tells me people probably have the best intentions when they offer this advice –but it can make a single person feel like their emotions are being dismissed.
“They’ve undoubtedly put a huge amount of time, energy and emotional investment into finding love and questioning their method of going about it,” Black advises any well-meaning friends, “and it could feel like you are undermining their efforts.”
She continues: “It might make them feel like they’re ‘not doing it right’ and could impact their self-esteem. Believing that ‘it will happen when you least expect it’ requires someone to have a lot of faith in fate or a higher power.
“If love doesn’t come along, it could lead the person to question why fate hasn’t sent love their way, are they not worthy of love, do they not deserve it?”
Are our friends right though? Does love come when you’re not looking?
Black says that we’re most likely to be attracted to someone who has the same values as us and it’s hard to find that person walking down the street.
“Dating apps give us an opportunity to widen our search and look for people we click or vibe with. By giving up on looking, we could potentially miss out on finding someone we could be highly compatible with,” she says.
But constantly dating and meeting new people can be exhausting, especially if we’re using dating apps.
“The constant ebb and flow of acceptance and rejection from the apps can feel disheartening. There is an argument that if we’re not actively looking for love we’re not already tied down by the time and energy put into it,” she says.
So, what should you say to a single friend instead? You can start by showing them support. “Really put yourself in their shoes and think how it feels for them. By empathising, we are not just showing sympathy, but also understanding. which can feel a lot less patronising and more supportive.” Black says.
Her final words of advice? “Encourage them, but don’t offer a lot of advice unless it is requested. Show them that your support is unconditional, whatever the outcome.” This can be done using the same love languages we talk of in romantic relationships: words of affirmation, quality time spent together, surprise gifts, small gestures and a helping hand, and – where it feels right – physical touch.
Nothing beats a great hug, after all. As Black sums things up: “Show your friend how loved they are and remind them how special they are whether they are in or out of a relationship.”
* Some surnames have been omitted to offer anonymity.