20/05/2014 08:45 BST | Updated 16/07/2014 06:59 BST

The Art of Living Alone

One month in and like Bear Grylls and those chaps on that island. I am deserted.

Well I'm being dramatic; I now live alone.

I think it was Jennifer Anniston who once said (in a film) "You learn a lot about yourself by living alone."

So what have I learnt?


My friend Tom who seems to overtaken me in the maturity lane; warned me that I'm about to head into world of expenditure. For someone whose only concept of a bill for a long time was a stack of unopened envelopes - I now seem to be paying for everything.

Did you know water's not free? #brokenbritain

I'm kidding of course but you never think about the little things do you? I feel like I've spent more time in supermarkets than Ant and Dec, David Beckham and Jane Horrocks combined. Fuming....I've just realised I haven't got any truffle oil.


That's the other thing. You spend so much time wandering those supermarket aisles that you seem to accumulate a lot of junk food. I'm convinced that I'm going to pile it on. I was going to try and argue that this has nothing to with vanity but in all honesty as I tuck into a pie I wonder what my love rival will think if I return to my hometown having eaten ALL the pies.

Can I attribute that one to Jennifer Anniston too?


So now I'm penniless and out of shape. This all makes me value my possessions even more. I return home to think of the countless places a thief could be hiding.

Bear with me whilst I just look under this we're good.

So after you convince yourself that the place is safe. You watch any kind of TV programme as long as it has nothing to with crime. If anything is even related to the world of criminality then the slightest noise in another room makes you turn into a ninja.

The Paranormal.

Now ninjas are great. I'd love to be a ninja. However a ninja is powerless against a ghost. Or even a Basilisk because in all honesty that's what the automated air freshener sounds like. So I just cover all bases with all the gods and deities before going to bed. I want to be a ninja with super powers which basically means that my ambitions of becoming a Power Ranger have never changed.

Love Life.

This question rears its head more often when people realise that you live alone. "So it's just you?". Well yes. I have no one to go food shopping with, no one who will check under the bed and no one to buy furniture with and do you know what? It's another thing I thank the deities for.

Living alone is awesome. I like to eat pies. I like that every evening I pretend to be Jason Statham in all his films and I'm most thankful for that I don't have to buy furniture; especially if it's emblazoned with a quote that should never leave Instagram.

Dance like nobody's watching you say? Well no one is... At least I hope not.