It's the time of the year in which we're inundated with lists or reviews; The best song or the best show or the most heart wrenching celebrity break ups. Well, you can scrap all that because with a kind of wisdom to rival Lorde I have the definitive guide to your year right here. You can just apply it to your life for years to come.
January. New Year and it's a new you. Or is it? January is the financial equivalent of spinning plates. "If I move this from here and that to there then I should be fine..." but then without fail something horrendous will happen like a toothache or your car needs new wheels and before you know it you're back to your old self because it's too expensive to be anyone else.
February. Slap bang in the middle of February lives a day of dread. If you're single Valentine's Day is a reminder that cats are more independent creatures than you would like. I mean in terms of affection okay? If you're taken then you're Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Jingle All the Way" trying to find your loved one that coveted gift but in the end you'll probably realize that "Turbo Man" was always within you.
Get your filthy mind out of the gutter.
March. It's Spring and rebirth and we Brits see a bit of sunshine and convince ourselves that we're going to have a decent Summer.
May. Bank Holidays! You're starting to wane at work and now you just have to cleverly manipulate your annual leave to coincide with Queen's decision to bestow us with a Bank Hol Jol...ly. I tried to make that a thing.
June. You're sweating with anticipation for your summer holiday by this point not because it's hot because let's face it it's not.
July. Schools out for Summer and suddenly kids are everywhere. Especially if you're a parent.
August. If you haven't gone away already you spend a big chunk of August talking about how you're going to catch some "Late Sun". This is a polite way of saying "I don't have a penny to my name please stop asking me if I'm going away and just cut my hair".
September. School is back in session and TV is going to start improving again. What? It's important.
October. It's dark now. Dark, cold and wet and people have started letting off fireworks already and you have no idea why. All the chocolate in the shops is Halloween themed as well. I mean have you seen a green Creme Egg? I can't even. So by the time it gets to the actual date of Halloween you can't be bothered to dress up and lock the door because the only thing you can offer "Trick or Treaters" is some penny toffees.
November. Fireworks are still going on and people are airing Christmas adverts on the TV and you're stunned and convinced it starts earlier every year. Then someone at work has already bought and wrapped their presents to "You know just to get it out of the way". You hate that person. We all do.
December. A month of reflection and winding down towards Christmas which depending on your workload can seem both near and far. Before you know it you're donning Christmas jumpers, heading to your work do and loosening your belt because you've eaten too much. Elsewhere Reality TV shows are wrapping up. Simon Cowell is deciding who will be Number One and you don't really care as long as you win the sweepstake. This is all in time for a heavy dose of some dramatic Soap Operas with your loved ones on Christmas Day. Christmas' less popular cousin New Year's Eve is the Marmite of holidays. Nevertheless you'll need an excuse for whatever you're doing.
I don't know about you but I'm really looking forward to a fresh start in the New Year...