18/10/2015 10:36 BST | Updated 17/10/2016 06:12 BST

Strictly Come Dancing - Week Four

Welcome to Week Four, although what's the point in wondering who should win after Jay's triumphant jive last week? Presumably the posse of desperate women who think the pair of American Tan tights that is Peter Andre would disagree, so let us plough on and watch once more, dear friends, as Henry V would have said had he owned a telly and had nothing else to do on a Saturday night.

Tess and Claudia, whose wardrobes in past weeks have been worryingly normal, returned to form in two hideous outfits: Tess in an I-Made-This-In-My-Year-Nine-Textiles-Class number, featuring cheap lace panelling and a missing sleeve, Claudia in a Matalan bargain basement jumpsuit, complete with 80s shoulder pads.

First up, Anita Rani and Gleb dancing the Samba to Shakira's Hips Don't Lie. Len, who had clearly spent the afternoon reading up on the music to each dance in order to make one of his terrible attempts at word play, shouted: "I'll tell you this. Your hips don't lie!" and sat back, looking delighted with himself. Anita and Gleb were fine but nothing special.

Next up, the man whose Wikipedia claims he is only 55 years old, Daniel O'Dyedhair, dancing the American Smooth to Frank Sinatra's Fly Me To The Moon. Dressed vaguely as flight attendants, they spent a lot of time flinging their arms around as though signalling the location of the exit doors. "It had a lovely, easy feel," smirked Len, for no other reason than to line up his next bon mot. "You could have been on Easyjet." GEDDIT? Next.

Kirstie and Brendan danced the Pasa Doble to that well known Spanish dance anthem, U2's Beautiful Day. They were rubbish. "It was a bit like a paella," opined Len, building up to his next witticism. "Tasty in places, but there's always a few weird bits floatin' abaht." I hope the next time Len visits a Spanish restaurant, the waiter spits in his gazpacho.

Georgia and her partner, sweating Sicilian sausage Giovanni, danced the Quickstep to S Club 7's pop classic Reach. They were incredibly fast. "From drab...." winked Len, unable to think of any pun related to stars/night sky/trying to get the biscuit tin off the top shelf, "to FAB!"

Jeremy and Karen danced the Jive to Bobby Darin's Splish Splash. Ever literal, they began with Jeremy standing in a bath. There was a moment where he lay on the dance floor and we all held our breath worrying if he could get up again, but otherwise it was... what was it? It certainly wasn't a jive. "Has he improved, Craig?" enquired Tess. "No."

Kellie and Kevin danced the Foxtrot to Dream A Little Dream by Mama Cass. They were supposedly telling the love story of Kellie's grandparents, and Tess was on hand to play the role of famous psychic, Doris Stokes. "They would've loved that." Jamelia and Tristan danced the Charleston to Straight Up by Paula Abdul, who send Jamelia a video message wishing her luck, although had she known how the Dave Arch singers would murder her song she might have thought better of it. JamTris were pretty good though, and there were echoes of Josephine Baker in Jamelia's performance, no bad thing for a Charleston.

Jay and Aliona danced the Quickstep to My Generation by The Who. It was fast and furious and Jay made a few unexpected stumbles. He looked absolutely gutted when the judges picked apart his performance (try saying that after three gin and tonics) but he will be back next week better than ever so SHUT UP JUDGES. (Just as a side note, is something going on between Jay and Aliona? She looked completely in love and the pair of them pawed each other a bit. Watch this space.)

Next up, it was Carol and Pasha dancing the Paso to Trad's Espana Cani, which is proper Paso music for bloody once. It worked as well; it was easily Carol's best dance as she really got into character. Take note, everybody else who chooses bollocks like the Birdy song for the Tango. Then it was Ainsley and Natalie who danced the Waltz to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong, a song I absolutely adore. Nerves made Ainsley assume the vacant facial expression of a village idiot, but otherwise it was all rather lovely.

Helen and Aljaz danced the Salsa to Miami Sound Machine's Doctor Beat, a song I loathed in the 80s and Dave Arch's crapola version didn't make me change my opinion. In the preceding VT, Aljaz took Helen up the Shard *sideways look to camera* and yes, some of it was a bit stiff *stop it* but Helen did a fabulous splits move and overall I really liked it.

Peter and Janette chose to dance the Tango to New Order's Blue Monday, beginning with some shizzle sitting at a card table. There are no words to describe what Dave Arch did to the song, but when I rise to power he and his singers will be forced to sing Tiptoe Through The Tulips whilst accompanying themselves on the Stylophone for all eternity. The pair gave a decent account of themselves, sufficiently rousing a sleeping Len so that he was able to produce another linguistic gem: "Ar dunno wot card game you woz playing, but it had plenny of SNAP innit!" and then sat back, thrilled with his own genius.

Finally, Katie and Anton. They hadn't done too well last week, but they were to dance the Viennese Waltz to Elvis Presley's If I Can Dream, and everybody knows Anton is a whizz at Ballroom, not Latin, so great things were expected of them. They didn't disappoint, with fiendishly difficult content that was well executed.

Who will be voted out? Daniel or Jezza, surely. Whatever. I'm just hanging on for Halloween Week and the mad costumes. Two weeks to go, people. Can't wait.

First published here